More beer for an adventure please.....

Just get in the truck, shut your mouth, and hold it together. (yeah right!) First thing out of my mouth, what are all those white bags in the bed of your truck? Are you a secret bomb maker too? (smacking myself in the face with a hammer)Blue eyes once again stares at me in amazement . "It's sand".. (score recap.. space boy 7 , dumb ass girl 0)what in the hell would he have 500 bags of sand for ? ( it wasn't 500, I'm completely exaggerating) He then reaches behind his seat ( OMG this is it , he's going to vaporize me with one of his astrological laser space guns, for all the stupid crap that just seems to pro-jet out of my mouth ) and hands me a beer .. (I love him) . Hey thanks. ..are you sure you don't mind me riding with you ? ( of course he doesn't , he now knows where you live , maybe he paid attention and you'll get flowers with a sweet card ) Blue eyes replies "its not a big deal , but i do have to go and check on my guys later if you  u don't mind"His guys? Is  he some type of slave driver butt head boss ? 
Makes his employees work all hours of the night ??( Oooo I got it space boy , maybe they are refueling your star ship Enterprise. )"sure that's fine"  Conversation was  easy , at this point I again ,I've had to much to drink to be nervous , and the fact that we are already friends , this should be no big deal . Except for the fact that we're are alone , just him and I ..the astronaut and me .. in his truck driving to the moon (you know not the real moon , just for entertainment purposes only )The it hits me ..I hope this isn't some thrown together quasi secret attempt for a fix up. We've already broken up mentally . Not sure we're ready to date again .  I just continue to blab on talking about nothing of any type of importance.  We're here ..thank god .. the whole 10 min car ride was starting to make my skin crawl . I needed space, I needed to breathe my own oxygen, and wander ..make new friends.. wait I can't make new friends, I'm here with blue eyes and Mr. Big tipper man . If I just ran off and ditched them that would be rude and I could possibly miss a chance to ride in the star ship enterprise.  Look there's Mr big tipper man with 3 shots in front of him and 3 cold beers .."there u guys are I was starting to wonder what was  happening " (what do you mean what's happening ? Do you think we are off bumping uglies in the bed of his truck making sand babies ) i had to go home and change .. grabbing the shot , I drank it and it didn't even occur to me to ask what it was until it hit my lips . Trying to stay controlled and calm, and not risk the embarrassment , I swallowed .. OMG I think my mouth is on fire , no make that my throat. . Yuck ..barf.. Did I just shoot whiskey ?????? Willingly? ???? Dear lord sweet baby Jesus .. please pray for me.  ..Space boy  took it upon himself to hand me my beer and told me "I like you Betty" Wow... he's now quoting "caddy shack" seriously??? I really have no idea how long we stayed at this little neighborhood bar , but it was fun (note to self , must come back here with my girlfriends, cute bartenders ) Astronaut , Mr big tipper man and I where having a blast . 

You can take the boy out of golf, but you can't take the golf outta the boy

OK so let's recap here, At this point I'm drunk, like throw all inhibitions to the wind, get up and sign a very crappie rendition of alianis moresette's "you outta know".  Space boy, and Mr big tipper man and I are still out at the neighborhood bar. Got it ? OK good ..at this point who cares what's coming out of my mouth , it must of been something amazing I'm sure , because I grabbed blue eye's face and told him to look into my eyes .. ( I'm certain it must have been prolific) he pauses , as if at a loss for words, stares at me for a moment (you know those stares, like he's searching for something lost and it's located in your eyes ) and just simply says "I can't ". Insert record scratching sound, and my inner voice saying "what the hell do you mean , you can't ? Like a you can't because I'm appalling ? Or you can't because the earth moved when we made eye contact ? WHY are men so obtuse 99.9 percent of the time ??? Sometime had pasted since "stare down gate" and suddenly blue eyes looked at his watch and said "I need to go and check on my guys, they probably just finished half the front 9"..WHAT????  We just had a moment ..and all he's worried about is his front 9???

Ohhh, so this is your spaceship...

Da da dum... (insert dramatic drama music here ) It was a typical (I have no idea what night it was , so I'm totally making it up here ) Let's say umm Thursday night(I like Thursday's it's my favorite TV show night ..true story ) The dirty golf shirt , space traveler boy was sitting at the bar with a mutual friend . Well, really not a friend of mine , but a regular who always tipped way over what he should have. Shout out to you, Mr. Big Tipper man . I ended up getting off very early and I had no intention of going home . I had been up to my eyeballs in writing papers for what seemed to be half of my adult life . I needed a release before I pulled my eyebrows out one by one, and poured lemon juice  on my open wounds to remind me I was still alive . As I was grabbing my stuff to head out , Mr. Big Tipper man asked me where I was going . I told him I was done for the night and was going home . (Liar!!!!!.. I was soo going out ) He insisted I stay and let him buy me a beer .  One turned into more and before I realized it I was hanging out with Mr. Big tipper  man and gasp.. you guessed it .. "the astronaut". Somehow , through no idea or suggestion of my own , I was in my car driving home ( don't judge , we all have may or may not have driven once in their lifetime when we shouldn't ) but what I forgot to mention was THE ASTRONAUT WAS FOLLOWING ME,  me the mental patient home . ( you are all perverts!!!! nothing happened ) I was dropping off my car and going out with the both of them, alone.... 2 guy's and 1 girl .. (Hey...wasn't there a TV showed called that ?)whatever, I was to tipsy at this point to care .Opps, I forgot to mention was Mr. Big tipper man wasn't following us , he was already at our next destination.  So you know what that means .. I have to ride with the astronaut. .OMG .. instant panic .. like hold my chest in true Sandford and Sons style. Do you think he'd notice if I started screaming .. Elizabeth hold on baby , I'm coming to ya? OK plan b and c .. run Inside change really fast..( god, why couldn't  I be rich and have a stylist with hair and makeup  people at my disposal? ????) And drink more really fast (liquid courage, chug, chug away )...I know I should have invited him in ..but dear lord he can already read minds, I don't need to expose him to my outer insanity too...I rush out the door , a completely different person . Glammed up,in my favorite good butt jeans..Whew, were clean...close call there!  (you know those fit perfectly even when you're having a fat day, make you feel like a million bucks jeans)and I'm sure smelling like a french whore. Then I saw it ... or maybe It was just my beer goggles that had seemed to mold to my face, now that i was past the point of no return, telling me I saw it . Pure holy shit, damn, she's a hottie, WOW,  instant approval look..ha ha ha space boy .. game on...

Stalk me, feed me fries, and give me beer

Seconds turned into minutes , minutes turned into hours and hours turned into days (get my drift here ?) Daily life continued on the same mundane cycle . Get up ,go to class , come home , eat, get ready for work . But, now I had something to look forward too . The anticipation. .. astronaut, agronomist, the golf course guy (whatever his title was) he was on a fast crash course of becoming a regular at my employment establishment. I'm sure his frequent stops were just to see me , (probably not , we did have super cheap, ice cold draft beer) , but nonetheless , space boy still came in . Each time he came in , we chatted more , OMG..we're we becoming friends? Why did I feel compelled to tell him about my day , ask him relationship advice about the stupid boy (yes remember I did have a boy) and why was he giving me advice ? Worst of all why was HE telling ME about his day and his love triangles ? Did I look like I really needed to know about the girl you just broke up with and the other two that you can't decide if they are relationship material or just good time mollies? What was going on here ? This cycle went on for months .Each and every single time he came in . (Mind you , I still had no idea if he was interested in me , and I wasn't sure if I even liked him ) This was not in the plan , but as I am learning plans are made to be broken . So what if blue eyes and I are only meant to be friends , at least I now know that Bermuda isn't  just an island anymore (it's a type of golf course grass ..I'm very proud , I'm sure this new knowledge that has been gently laid into my lap will come in handy  one day ... NOT) Friends..OK ..just friends , I could swallow that , even though his dreamy blue eyes sucked at my soul and made my heart skip beats . ( what the hell is the matter with me ? I want to vomit ) Ugggggg...put your big girl panties on, and pull yourself together ! Focus , focus focus!!!!!! .. Gasp!!! Was he just staring at me ? Did I literally just see him watch every move I just made ? What if ,because he space travels, he can also read minds too ? What if he's watching me reading my mind , why is he reading my mind ????? Wow I need a serious mental evaluation or an authorized admission to be institutionalized FOREVER !!!

Yup, that just came out of my mouth

O...M...G.., did that just really happen ? Did the pretty , bitchy, "old troll " just get up and leave ? Wait , "the boy " I mean the astronaut , I mean Mark, he's laughing .. why is he laughing ??? Why isn't he running after her ? Didn't he just move here from the great state of Alabama with her ???( I'm assuming this was /is his girlfriend right ? ) Panic sets in . What should I do ? Run over like a little smitten  school  girl ( wait I'm not smitten , I've already played out  our entire relationship  in my head , and we are soo over ) Play it cool  .. famous last words. Run into the kitchen , act like you have no idea what just unfolded before your pretty little eyes . When in doubt play the dumb card. You're cute enough to get away with it . Breathe .. calmly walk back out and check on your other tables . Shit!!! He is my only table . You know I'm really starting to want to smack myself .  Ok .. he's gone .. sigh .. I  bet he went after her. Of course he did , we've already mentally broken up . Run to her blue eyes , save your relationship.  Wait , what ? He's moved to the bar ok . , and he's sitting with my boss . He knows my boss ? My boss calls me over (of course he does ) tells me this is a good friend of his and take good care of him . ( ha ha ha right , I'll do just that ) I wonder if my boss knows of his secret space traveler identity ? Ok the astronaut is now talking to me . Don't make eye contact whatever you do , don't do it . Damn it .. I'm toast . In my  true style , I speak before I think ( for all of you reading this that actually know me.. SHUT UP ! ) What is the first thing that comes out of my mouth ? So tell me what does being an astronaut and working at a golf course have in common ?( What am I doing? I'm not one of those cheesy, Vegas, night club, Corney comedians)  Yup total out of body , I hope I choke on a  chicken wing bone at any moment and die experience.  He just stares at me for a moment ( of course he did , What  the hell kind of question was that ?)his response was "well , I don't know what astronauts would actually do , but an agronomist studies plants and soils, you know the science of it . (And apparently I didn't !) Great , for the love of god , I finally know !!!! I of course let out one of those stupid , annoying girl giggles . (Space traveler 5 , dumb ass girl 0) So that's how it went. I was trying to  be all cool, and knowledgeable. Instead,  I make myself look like a total idiot. A Little voice inside my head says, do you think he noticed? Are you kidding me ? Of course he noticed.  I needed to turn this around, redeem myself. Think, think,think!!!! I know nothing about your profession,  what is it you actually do ? ( Wow, if that wasn't total verbal genius !)Blue eyes proceeds to go into a very lengthy spiel about his duties,(he's the guy who keeps it green ) his current course, how he manages the people who mow the grass,  bla bla bla bla . Meanwhile as I'm trying to look as interested as humanly possible (I think I deserve an Oscar, at least a nomination) all I can think about is , who picks up the balls ?


A little bit of knowledge for those like me, who were/are also unknowledgeable about the big, intimidating world of golf (astronauts, and ball picker upper guys )

Golf course superintendent

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A Golf course superintendent is a person who professionally manages the labor, time, materials and financial resources needed to care for the turfgrass and landscaped grounds on a golf course. Golf course superintendents have also been referred to as greenskeepers and turf managers. Golf course superintendents are concerned with the environmental health of the golf course, the sporting needs of the players and the financial sustainability of the golf club or country club for which they work. Golf course superintendents communicate the status of the grounds and maintenance resources to members of the club’s management, owners or board of directors, green chairs and committees, golfers, vendors, suppliers, golf professionals, golf course architects and others in the golf industry. Their management strategies must also align with the golf club business’ environmental and philanthropic role in the community.

Golf course superintendents carefully monitor the natural weather patterns, environment and other influences that affect the playing areas and landscapes with which golfers interact. Golf course superintendents monitor the health of the golf course environment through careful study, diagnosis and treatment of disease and injury to the golf course’s turfgrass fairways, tees and greens areas, as well as bunkers, areas of water hazard, naturalized areas and trees. Their skilled management of the course is accomplished through a detailed knowledge of biology, chemistry, plant pathology andentomology. Golf course superintendents can be officially certified by the Golf Course Superintendents Association of America (GCSAA).

Life happens ...So what if I'm prettier

So what if I talked myself out of a top secret stalking mission . So what if my "mission" only turned out to be at an old, busted down,  driving range with ant mounds that I think doubled as grave sites . (and NO!  I didn't even pick up the lighting locaters) I was still clueless about this secret life, and how golf is actually an enjoyable past time .. (Which , mind you , I never found that freaking card just an FYI) Whatever !! I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached to my body . I just put the whole little, blotched, adventure in my bubble and sent it off to my island . ( An island you say? Yes,I have an island . It's off the coast of Greece. . It's pretty there , surrounded by water with the perfect climate ,and the best hair days ever !)I had better things to do than sit and fawn over  a "boy", who may or may not be a space traveler, and pick up golf balls in some futuristic, golf cart ,driving ,device and had a girlfriend !!!!!! Whoops .. He left me his card, what did he think I was going to do with it?  Call him and ask him how to properly pick up a golf ball ..from space?????? I had papers to write , bills to be paid and chicken wings to serve to the masses .It wasn't like I had time to worry about anything else, I kinda had a "boy" myself , (don't judge , obviously it wasn't serious)  But I was still a little more excited and a little "extra pretty" to go to work . I am completely emerged in my day to day life, (because it's always about me :)that a couple of weeks ,heck it could have been a month, before I noticed, I hadn't seen the blue eyed space traveler , in the dirty golf shirt.  I swear to you (I really might have some type of kinetic third Eye prophecy) as soon as, I put that thought into the "universe" in he walks ... hmm there's something different about him ... ummm..his clothes .. (Note  to self , must take him shopping ) or the fact that he has a a girl on his arm !!!!!  You know those types of girls when they enter a room and scan to see if anyone is looking at her "man" or most importantly at herself ? Yeah .. she was that  type . So not impressed with his choice of female companionship. (Maybe it was all that time in space?) ) Dread set in .. maybe a couple of eyes rolls and absolutely a million comparisons as to how, I was Soooooo much prettier, classier, nicer and umm younger !! And of course they sat in my section (Jesus lord kill me,ARE YOU KIDDING ME ?) I have to be nice to this "woman"..."Hey how are you ..can I get you guys something to drink" ( I think I just made myself throw up)

                Astronaut: Hey there (insert devious smile) I'll have a bla bla bla

      Old troll : I'm fine ..

      Me: Ok ..so.. not even water ?

      Old troll: THANK YOU ..IM FINE!

         (Wow..blue eyes...I hope her bite isn't as sharp as her bark! ) After trying to ignore their table as            much as possible .. I  couldn't help but notice .. The old troll (she was very pretty , she was just             such a bitch! and maybe mad because he's in space so much? ha! ) got up and left .. like walked              out the door , see ya later tater. .goodbye ..

Way over stimulated. ....

So the "boy" has a name .. OK got it .Mark.. I can remember that . Mark the space hunter . Mark the golf course guy. What the heck could he possibly do at a golf course ? Maybe he's the guy who picks up the balls? The only thing I know about golf courses is that they have "special" grass that looks like it never needs to be mowed and its ALWAYS green. Not like normal grass that we see in yards..but green, perfect, weed free, fake grass and feels good when one is  barefoot . (Note to self, must learn about this so called golf course grass and the secret Life of an astronaut or whatever it's called ) Ummmm okay... really ? How am I supposed to do that ? (I'm aging myself..but this was BG, before Google ) Like I actually have time to go on a top secret, stalking , information quest adventure. But I needed to know so I would at least sound smart and educated the next time he came in . (You know so I could be that chick,  the chick who knows stuff.) Then it hits me .. duh...! I have a friend who is dating a guy who likes to golf ! We are going to go golfing !! See when I use my head .. great ideas just happen . OMG.. did I just actually say I want to golf ? Kill me now !
So a plan was in place, phone calls were made , and a date was set ! I was ready for my first ever near death by boredom experience . Then panic set in .. (I tend to actually act before I thoroughly think out any situation) OMG.. what if we end up playing at said golf course, where said cute astronaut boy picks up balls at ??????  Who cares .. I got this .. OMG!!!!! What am I going to wear ? What does one wear who has never played golf ever, ever,ever, but wants to look cute without really trying to look cute ? And don't you need special shoes to play golf ? And what about those special,metal, lightning ,locater sticks.. (club's) and balls .. I need balls (golf balls you pervs ) Wait I don't even know how to play golf . I don't even know where we are playing .. Then it hits me ..  I have his card .. find the card Trish ..OMG I can't find the card . This is all happening to fast. My head hurts. OMG I still cant find the card!!!!!!!!!

You're a What?

So after I got over the blue eyes , southern drawl and his dirty shirt , I decided I was going to get the deets (you know stalk him without actually sounding interested ) on this "boy". Within minutes of hearing him speak I knew I needed to know possibly everything I could about this stranger . He told me pretty much his life story (remember he is from the south ..These people are open books ) he just moved here from the great state of Al....A.....BAMA (ok well he didn't say that exactly. . Maybe I've watched Forrest Gump one to many times ) with his girlfriend . Ugggg the dreaded GF  word . My stomach sank .. but a girlfriend has never stopped me before ( you should be ashamed of yourself, I'm not some home wrecker )just got off work and wandered into my bar. Our conversation was lyrical. There never was a dull lull or awkward silence . He told me about where he grew up, his family , where he went to college bla bla bla . The whole time I'm like a kid on Christmas morning waiting in anticipation of what this blue eyed creature is going to tell me next .. Then it comes out .. His career ... he's an agronomist. A what ? ( of course I immediately pictured a spacesuit and a rocket ship ) I have to admit I acted like I totally knew what he was talking about . I made a mental note to find out what the hell an agronomist was , as soon as, I got off work . We chatted a bit more , then I had to get back to work . I could feel the evil eyes of my  coworkers blaring at me . Yeah whatever .. like I ever witnessed any of you throw yourself over the bar to a gentleman in waiting . As I finally got a  free minute , I realized he was gone . He left his money on the bar and a note on the back of his check. BTW my name is Mark and a business card Ooooo so he's a golf course superintendent (again what the hell is that )  ....Shit, I never asked him his name ....

Hey would you like some chicken wings?

     There....I.....was....,tan,skinny, blue eyed and all of 22. I thought I had the world at my feet. I was focused,responsible and ready to go head on to ANY curve ball that life threw at me. I was in college, making insane money working as a waitress in a "family oriented" ( think hooters with class and more clothing) sports bar. Slinging chicken wings, and pouring copious amounts of draft beer, and having the time of my life doing it. ( I have to say looking back.. I really did love that job) Little did I know that accepting  this "job" would forever alter my precisely laid out life path.
     Always being an avid sports fan , I never got the concept of golf . I never could understand why someone would  willingly carry a metal stick (an open  invitation to the lighting gods..hey I'm here strike me if you dare) and try to hit a small little round ball into a hole the size of an orange. Talk about boring ...
Boy have I eaten those words ...
     So it was a Wednesday evening (don't ask how I remember the exact day, I'm amazed myself) in walks this "boy"(of course he was a man ..but I think boy sounds much cuter.) He was in a dirty golf Shirt and khaki pants ..but , he had the most beautiful blue eyes (well besides mine) I have ever seen . He sat at my bar and I went over to him faster than expected.  I had to speak to him . Once he opened his mouth , out came this unfamiliar accent , southern. My blue eyed stranger with the dirty golf Shirt was a "good ol super cute" southern country boy ...