A Christmas miracle!!!!

Do you remember what it's like to be a kid on Christmas eve ? The anticipation of what your going to "get" since the holiday season has sprung among us ? Laying in bed for what feels like an eternity , because you know in a few short hours all the energy you've expelled is finally going to come to fruition, not to mention all the good loot your going to acquire?  Golf course superintendents can .  Although this career path  is a very stressful one,  the  rewards are worth it! Could you possibly imagine waking up with that same level of Christmas morning  euphoria everyday? Rushing to the  tree (the golf course) and seeking out your "Christmas morning " surprises? OK this might be overzealous in comparison, but I do believe there is truth here . Think about this,the time spent seems like a life time in some cases, researching, planing and learning how to produce  that perfect result. The same way a child perfectly plans out a Christmas list. The outcome?? GIFTS!!!! Sometimes good and sometimes bad... Ha! The instant jubilation  every single morning would be contagious! Could you phantom that ?  Being able to receive "presents"  wrapped up in perfectly manicured complexes and fairways , decadently placed bows of dew drops on rolling mounds with majestic ribbons of  rainbows filtering through irrigation showers greeting you as a gift every morning ? For many Mot's THIS is what its all about .Not the game of golf itself , or the compliments of how fast the greens are rolling . It's about the anticipation of "Christmas morning " the result of a previous days hard work and nature's way of saying  " atta boy" . I'm sure anyone who shares this lifestyle with me would be hard pressed to disagree . Me personally, I think it's pretty awesome to have a "Christmas morning" every day.

I've got nothing....

So I've been trying to write the last couple of days so I can keep up with this whole blog thing I've got going on . BUT..yes another BUT.. I've got nothing . My life right now consists of a mad dash to get our house on the market, realizing that when you've had a home for 9 years the 3 of you are hoarders and feeling like a desperate teenager to speak to my  husband constantly.  Not to mention, all the added stress of house hunting , being a single parent ,dealing  with our daughter's school projects ,dance activities and just being 12 in general. Truth is .. I'm tried.  I'm exhausted.  I'm not myself and I'm in a funk . I'm trying to find "me" time all the while, trying to hold everything together . I seriously have a new appreciation for any single parent . I just have no idea how  they do it . The bright side for me in all of this , I know deep in the back of my "crazy" this is just a season . A season that only has a month or 2 left , then I'll be back to being annoyed that my MOT is home 2 hrs later than he told me . So in the mean time I'm searching for anything that will give me strength to push on .. ooo look there's wine ...:)

Xoxo

My brain thinks way to much ...

So i'm sitting here reflecting on today's events.The world lost an icon today.. A person whom I never met, but I cant help but feel a connection to. This person was a childhood musical hero of mine as well to a many others. After i heard the news of his untimely passing, i submersed myself in this his music for hours reliving each and every memory, every single word,  feeling and lyric to every word of his songs. Life is just to damn short and when you least expect it, your world can change in a New York minute. RIP Prince!!!
Death.. death is such a crazy thing!!! I often wonder who has it really worse the person who actually died or the people that they leave behind ..? Deep thoughts I know, but it got me really thinking about this today. Being a ripe age of 39 I have never really contemplated the actual sting of losing someone so close to your heart. I have been very fortunate in my life to have only lost that one person , my world (my grandfather) at a very young age , so I wouldn't  actually have to deal with the adult aspect of losing someone who was my heart and soul. It got me thinking about losing my husband ( yes very morbid , I know) but honestly what would i do ? Yes I claim to be a turf widow already  (which basically I am just married to a warm body and a paycheck) but atleast he comes home every night and we exchange  some sort of pleasantries etc , But honestly ..WHAT WOULD I DO? I feel like being married to a, MOT,  I have given up myself. I have given up my dreams and hopes. My chance to have something outside of being a WOT.. (dont get me wrong , I have his undying support in whatever I chose to do) but I always look at the bigger pics and feel if I chased that raindow , our child would suffer . Call it momny guilt ..call it whatever you want, but the struggle  is so real !!!I do understand that a lot of other WOTS have careers,  have their own things,etc outside of this insane life that we have chosen for ourselves,  but honestly for me, it just wasn't in the cards . More like it's impossible !!! I am very fortunate to be able to stay at home and be a,mom and wife , (and I love every minute of it !!!!)but what if when I'm 80 and my MOT is gone and I look back on my life will I be truly satisfied with the choices that I made ? Can I forgive all of the missed dinners, parties, birthdays , school functions etc because I chose to support my husband's passion for a game of golf and a, blade of grass ?? To let my own dreams and goals be  swept under the rug , because we have this amazing child who needs me? When I actually sit and look at the bigger picture , my above statements just sound stupid and petty . But I'm just being real . I am sure there are 5000 other wots who struggle with is identity crisis as well.  It's not fun living in yr husband's shadow or having  to give up your normal for a seed and a grain  of fertilizer , or better yet for someone to go and play a game . My wish truly for anyone who plays golf is,to actually be  educated and  realize those greens you putt on ..that fairway you drive or that tee you  take divots out of ..has the blood sweat and tears of a husband who is missed at home or has a crazy wife who is struggling..

Manganese, a lot of people don't even know what that is...

I'm sure everyone in the entire world has seen the movie caddyshack.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about , you might want to ask yourself ,where have you  been for the last 36 years ? ..WOW ! Am I making anyone feel old yet? But what's it really like being married to a real life Carl Spackler? The word interesting comes to mind . Truth be told being married to a "green's keeper " is a pretty exciting thing . I'm human and I will have my days or posts portraying my MOT as a complete turd,but in reality those are just my ramblings. I truly am blessed to be a WOT. My MOT is my best friend and the best father anyone could possibly ask for.  In the 16 yrs of our life together I have learned so much about a world that I didn't even know existed. My MOT has taught me about dedication ,passion,and it never being ok being second best . My eyes have been opened to what it truly feels like to reap  the rewards of the fruits of your labor . Yes I know more about fertilizer, soil , turf diseases and mowing practices  than your average girl ,but that is not a bad thing . My hopes for this blog is to educate the masses on the turf world from a wife's perspective . I truly hope all who stumble across "my crazy" love reading it as much as I am enjoying writing it .. 

The next time you find yourself on the course with your sticks,  seek out the Superintendent..hug him and just say thanks, a little love goes a long way...❤⛳

Desperate for darkness

ME-So I should probably prepare myself for being a single mom on mothers day too ?
HIM-What date is it?
Yes ladies and gentlemen this is a real life text exchange between myself and my MOT.  A form of communication that has replaced any type of actual verbal correspondence between the two of us during GGH. (Grass growing hours). If the sun is up the grass is growing . The grass doesn't care if it's Mother's Day, your birthday , Christmas , your dog just died , you are in labor etc . It doesn't care about any of it! Grass to a mot is the equivalent of a "fix" to a drug addict.  Her luscious color, the smell of her freshly cut blades , the sight of her perfectly striped lines , all of this will put a mot's  endorphins into overdrive . Just when they think they can sit back , relax (perhaps enjoy some down time with their family ), that naughty little minx throws in a curve ball and decides not so fast ..you can't leave me  ...look..I now have Pythium !!! What are you going to do about it ???..Nevermind it's your only daughter's first birthday or it's Mother's Day .What does the mot do ????. He grabs his cart and drives to his chemical room to check what he has on hand to spray . His second move ??.He doesn't have anything on hand , so he grabs his phone and calls one of his 50,000 sales reps (that get to spend more time with your mot than you do) . His third move and or phone call ???  Well I'm not going to lead you on here .. IT'S NOT GOING TO BE YOU , THE WOT.! Infact , you'll be his last phone call . The call that he makes on his way home , 3 to 4 hrs later than original said arrival . I'm sure there have been many  times that phone call has been delayed. Reason being ? They fear for their lives . They know they are the most hated individual on the planet . I think we as wots just get to a point where we just don't care anymore . What's the use of getting upset , it's just wasted energy. No matter how mad we get for their actions , the end result will always,be the same ..."SHE" will always,get the last word  . 16 years I have been with my MOT,  I have felt every emotion known to man . Loneliness, abandonment, unimportant,disappointed,just to name a few . Getting mad these days is just pointless.  It doesn't solve anything . It just is what it is . You learn to deal and accept that you and your kid(s) will always take the back burner ..no exceptions..it's just the way it is..

Signed-
Desperately seeking dark time 

The wind of change......

So I'm taking a break writing my love/ hate career relationship  story with my man of turf. What I'm doing instead ? Trying to keep it together. Trying to maintain staying afloat in  the big pool of water I feel on a,daily basis I'm drowning in .  You see being settled finally for 9 years , laying down a concrete slab and allowing our legs to grow roots.. , being close to my family ,reconnecting with old friends..cherishing new friends,  watching our daughter grow up and make life long memories,and friends..  BAM..a hurricane has come and wiped away our "roots" ..We're  on the move again . I'd be lying if I told you that I'm excited about this .. I'm trying to be . Really honestly I am .. Our opportunity is a great one and a great move for my MOT (man of turf)and his,career . I keep trying to remind myself that sometimes wiping the slate clean and having fresh new adventure is an amazing gift not many get to experience, and I should be embracing it with full force.  But ..yes BUT .. I absolutely HATE that I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and I absolutely HATE ANY KIND OF CHANGE. Kind of funny knowing that considering my choice of husband and his career . See I think the biggest problem here is I let my guard down , I let myself get comfortable , when we all know living in this lifestyle one can never do that . It's almost a Cardinal sin of epic proportion .  As a,wife of turf you are solely responsible for keeping it together at all times  NO EXCUSES!!! Your sole purpose in this life is keeping EVERYTHING together.  Home , Kids , Appointments ,preparing to move, etc . There is no time for slacking . It doesn't matter if you are a stay at home mom, a doctor, a waitress ..WHATEVER.. You have to be prepared to be the "other woman " in yr relationship . Because, the grass ALWAYS comes first .Doesn't matter how in love the 2 of you are,how great yr marriage /relationship is period ! That might be a selfish statement , considering that, that  MOT  (in most cases  walking zombies) and that grass pay yr bills, and provide a great life for your little family,but  it's the truth .  There are many times you have to be both mom and dad , while our men are out on dates with the "other woman" but you eventually come to accept it and just deal with . I'm a basket case of emotions right now,  way overwhelmed to the point I don't know if I'm coming or going , so much on my plate and trying to just get it all done,and deal, while my MOT is 10 hrs away working his ass off ,70 plus hours a week, for the love of his career and for  the love of his family. Knowing him ..he's riddled with guilt having thrown all this at me . I do know if he could make this,easier on me (us) he would . , And what am I doing while my grass growing stud is worrying (let's be real here ..WORKING)?? I should be packing/cleaning/painting.. But I'm sitting here writing a pity post trying to put my blessing and curses together so I might be able to better mentally  process, the constantly ever changing life of a turf widow....