It's not Isis..its just army worms !!

Shhhhh... do you hear that ? ..comp comp comp ..crunch ..crunch.. spit ,burp..
That's Sargent Peppers Army of worms, completely destroying my back yard and mutilating my front yard .  Thank god I'm married to a Golf Course Superintendent!

These little fockers are the size of Texas and have more hair on them , than Harry of the Henderson's himself .( have no idea what I'm talking about ? Google it..your welcome ) even worse ?? ..Apparently these small dogs prey on innocent MOT'S and latch on to their cargo shorts,while at work,when no one is looking . Word on the street is they want to continue the party .Translocating deep into their pockets,then jumping train as soon as they pull into their own driveways.

Me being "the expert" in our family ,saw this coming a week ago. OK, now if you believe that ,I've also got some lake front property to sell you at a really rock bottom price .  Truth be told I actually thought my MOT had an oppsy moment and got carried away spraying his magic weed be gone juice . Then the "area" got bigger ...

Little did I realize a mini revolution was actually on the horizon . My first inclination should have been the birds, but that wasn't quite good enough for me . I had to actually walk under a tree in the back yard, and have Sargent Harry Pepper Worm and his "boys" try and buy me a drink . Ewwww...

So what do I do ? I call the MOT and precede to tell him I was just attacked and almost died . I'm sure I have army worm HIV now . What does he do ? Casually start into this 5 hour explanation on how it's that time of year,how he just dealt with it with "Holly" and there is stuff to spray for them in the garage. BLA BLA BLA .... Um mm..OK sure, I'll get right on that ,BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT UNMARKED JUG YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!!!! Insert eye roll ..

Sigh .. this is my life , meanwhile the worms have called in reinforcements.  My MOT "is going to take care of it " when he gets home . Notice he didn't say what day ......Stay tuned...

Grow in day -who cares ,we now have worms
Holly -who cares ,she gave my yard an TTC (turf transmitted Cooty )
Mot- he cares ,he'll just over seed and start over
Me- trying to find a cure for Army Worm HIV ...

Dear Jerk ......

Dear Arm Chair Superintendent,

You don't know me,but I know you . I know you better than you possibly think you know yourself . Please let me explain to you who I am . I'm the wife of the guy that grows your grass at your "golf club " .

I'm the wife of your golf course superintendent. You know the guy who you love when you are sinking birdie putts on every hole. I'm the wife of the guy who makes your epic round of golf possible . I'm also the wife of the guy who has probably ruined your epic round of golf because you don't understand the reasoning behind his choices.

What you don't understand here is this . Although this is just a game to you, this is our life .You and your foursome set the mood in my home .What you don't understand is, every  negative comment that rolls off your tongue ,sends a dagger straight to my husband's heart . Thanks for that, I thoroughly enjoy babysitting a brokenhearted man child. Because of your words my husband's mood when he arrives home is unbearable. We ,you know his family ,already don't get to see him for more that 3 hrs a day (if we're lucky ),you're Agronomic rants, insure the 3 hrs of family time are a complete nightmare !!!!!!! Again I appreciate you, maybe lets do lunch as a thank you!!!!

Let's get something straight here, although you might think you are above him with your fancy job and your wall of academic achievements,  You sir ,are sadly mistaken . My husband is a very educated man with countless years of education and a million light years of experience.

Just because you golf everyday doesn't make you an expert in his line of expertise. Your negative words and actions just make you a turd , and no one likes a turd!

Until you have physically walked a mile in his shoes or added an agronomy degree to your wall of knowledge , please just play your game ,drink your snuck in vodka (are you even allowed to do that ???!!!!???) and please refrain from speaking.  

Thank you for your time ,
Sincerely,
A VERY ANNOYED TURF WIFE


Disclaimer***** this is about no one in-particular and or club. Its just a blog post.. :)

Why ????

One question I'd love to have an answer to . "Why does a work related issue,suddenly become a Turf Wife's issue"? I mean seriously? I don't grow grass , I have no idea what anaerobic soil is (unless I Google it ) and I sure as heck don't understand the adequate flow speed for proper drainage through a line .

What I do understand is, whatever these foreign words are,they are affecting my happy little fortress. A place of tranquility, I've worked so hard to maintain . Leave Holly at the door , before you enter MY domain . Ha!!! Easier said than done .

In the perfect little bubble I live in, this is how it plays out in my mind . A reality check and a very temperamental MOT,has very quickly popped my daydream of butterflies and rainbows. Completely bringing  me back down to earth . I absolutely hate when Holly throws tantrums. I'm suddenly the mediator.

This time ,it's bigger than that . This time ,street cred, expertise , and recommendations are at stake . Might seem minuscule to the "outside" world ,but in "this" world it's Armageddon! I'm being forced to fight in a battle purely because of association.

The sad part is ,I don't have a solution. I'm a solver, a fix it type of chick . I should be used to this by now .........

Grow in day -35? (I've lost count)
HOLLY-9,567,456
MOT-2,565
ME-4

O let me count the ways....

You might be married ,dating, or living with a MOT if.......

1. Anything white they own has stubborn grass stains, blue dye or dirt stains in bedded so far in the fibers  no matter what you do ,bleaching ,burning or throwing them away. It still doesn't remove ANYTHING!!

2. Every article of clothing they own is either a pair of cargo shorts or a collard shirt with some type of logo design from some course that has 2  hour story attached to it . (Yawn)

3. They have 150 different hats, all with some type of logo you can't pronounce .

4. No matter how hard you try to clean, grass clippings will ALWAYS hide and multiply in your house when you are sleeping.

5. The inside of their trucks consist of 32 dirty pullovers ,47 coffee mugs and 12 missing invoices .

6. Your yard will always be "that" yard ,either Augusta National perfect or foreclosure scary . No exceptions ,no in between.

7. You're conversations will always include things you know nothing about . Chemical equations that sound like Arabic gossip and diseases that you swear are an STD.

8. 15 tubes of unopened sunscreen left in the garage ,because "they are going to bring this with them in the morning "

9. You argue in the front yard ,because you didn't mow it correctly

10. Superintendent time. "I'll be home in 30 mins " which translates to at least 2 hrs or more .

11. You're child's first real spoken  phrase was height of cut.

12. You have more golf balls and tee's than any normal human should see in their lifetime.

13.  You've forgotten what it feels like to eat a meal together .

14.  You know what nah nah errrr errrr  message delivered means

15. You are prohibited from even breathing while any type of weather is on .

16 . People assume you make make meth in the garage because there is 400 different types of unmarked "liquid " jugs.

17. You wear a wedding ring ,but no one has EVER seen your spouse . They just assume you're a widow .

18.  The Masters, US Open and the British Open are National holidays in your home and must be watched in silence and discussed ,then rewound to watch again ,if you missed an epic shot .

19.  You have a text book description of your spouses job tile ,because no one understands what they do.

20 . NO WE DON'T KNOW TIGER WOODS !!!!

21. You're on a first name basis with all sales reps and consider them part of the family .

22. You consider living in the next town over because you can't go out in public without running into a member and having a "talk shop" discussion.

23.  You're life is planned around 2 seasons . Growing and Dormant.

24.  You are now an agronomist. You can spot, treat and diagnose "turf problems"

25.  You moved more times in the past 5 years than the stock market.

26.  Your kids have now become mini meteorological wizards and get excited that daddy will be home soon..

27. You know what the 57 different types of equipment in the shop are and what they are used for .

28. A road trip is never complete without designing a mythological state of the art,roadside golf facility.

29. What's a road trip?

30. You have accepted , named and grown to love your spouse's mistress. (His course)

31. You've seen more money spent on radar apps than you've spent on shoes in your life time .

THE END !!!

Dear Turf Wife,

Have you ever been somewhere and had an ah ha moment, or an epitome about your life ? A moment in time where you wish you could go back and coach your younger self with the guidance of your older self ?
O the things I would tell her . The love I would give her and the guidance I'd lead her to. I'd tell her to take that trip ,(even if it meant only eating Ramen noodles  for a month ) buy those shoes,(quality over quantity) The boy who grows grass,you happen to meet at work ..RUN..don't make eye contact just RUN. (Ha I'm only kidding )
As a very seasoned veteran to the  "turf lifestyle " I've been through every possible scenario ,and circumstance with my MOT. Some have been amazing,some have been completely gut wrenching . But all these little bumps,curves and potholes have taught me to press on and be strong .
My only regret is not fully understanding what being married to a MOT actually meant . They don't come with a handbook of instructions or a stapled cliff note on how to understand this industry. Can you imagine how informative that would be ???? How much time and energy a Turf Wife could actually save for her own sanity ??!!??
I am an open book when it comes to my life as a Turf Wife and if I could ever give any advice to anyone "thinking" about going down this road ,this is what I'd tell you . I'm going to give 2 sets of advice here . Assistant vs Superintendent

Assistant Superintendent Turf Wife
1. He has no name for himself . He will have to prove himself and get his hands dirty. He will work more than you think he needs to , he's  responsible for way more than you think he's paid for and he will work every single weekend ,holiday etc .
2. I can almost bet you , you will hate his Superintendent. Why? because he's to hard on him or you feel he's never there . Learn to love that guy ! He can make or break your life !
3.YOU WILL BE PUT ON THE BACK BURNER. Doesn't matter how much you fight with him about it . Be prepared to just deal with it. When he's actually with you ,he will either be sleeping , in a bad mood or on the phone with his Superintendent. Sorry that's just the way it goes.
3. When he thinks he's actually ready for his own course ,he's not ! This won't happen overnight .. He still has to earn it . The industry decides when he's ready . Don't push him .
4.You will constantly have to move.Get used to explaining that to your family.  New locations mean more  growing experience. and more friends for you !

5. Always remember he does love you but the course always comes first He's bettering himself for the future. Find strength within yourself to be independent and not rely on him.Always have your own thing going on. 

Superintendent Turf Wife
1.He has made a name for himself, but in his mind its never "big enough" He will always want that dream retirement course or want that tour stop on his resume.He will still work way to much and not get paid nearly enough for his efforts. 

2.You will have a love hate relationship with his career, course and assistants. They will all make or break you!! Learn to deal with the good ,bad and the ugly! Celebrate the fact you now can diagnose "turf emergencies" in your own yard and take the correct action.! 

3. YOU ARE STILL ON THE BACK BURNER, but now you have a family. Be the queen of your castle and run it like a well oiled machine. Praise your MOT when he is home and complain about him when he isn't there. For the love of god listen to his stories and learn from them. They actually do help you out once in awhile. 

4.By now you will have moved more times than you can count. Save the boxes , heck invest in plastic containers.Never truly get to relaxed. you can blink and your on the move again. Enjoy your surroundings while you can.  Relish in the relationships you have formed over the years with people all across the country. Those women will make your heart happy! 

5.When he has a problem, it becomes your problem. His happiness is dependent on green speeds, root depth, blade height and sharp reels.He's in a constant battle with dirt and grass.Even when you want to punch him, hug him instead. You truly don't know his stress!!!

6. Always remember he does love you but the course always comes first . Find strength within yourself to be independent and not rely on him.Always have cold beer on hand and expensive wine for yourself!!!!

In closing (Thank god! This was a long post!) bottom line is, love your life, embrace it, never regret your choices and learn from experience.  You are both in this "lifestyle" together. There is no perfect way or wrong way to deal.with it!  Just keep on keeping on the best way you can! You Got This!!

Bella Verde Césped !!!

Mow the yard he said . It will be fun he said . Ha! Little did he (MOT)  know , that this Turf Wife would not only mow his precious grass blades but she would mow perfectly straight lines . I think its,safe to say I'm not directionally challenged .(this is an inside joke between my MOT and myself) 

I'm in a constant battle with my MOT about our yard . I know ... I've written about it before . But this "battle" has now turned into a "friendly"competition. 

This competition is probably mainly in my head.  I'm totally fine admitting that . I'm sure I'm harboring some deep down inside resentment and this is my way of throwing salt in his wounds .Secrely stabbing him where it hurts . His precious grass!!!!

Every time I start that mower ,something comes over me . A feeling that I have to out shine him .So what if his course is beautiful. Look at MY yard .MY doing, NOT the big important Golf Course Superintendent, with all the fancy degrees.  .. I really can't tell you the reasoning behind it . Maybe because I'm nuts .I'm thinking ha ,I've out done you ,what are you going to say about that ? Would Holly do anything like this for you?????

 In reality this is what is really happening ...  Every time he arrives home and sees his yard mowed, he's probably on his hands and knees crying thankful tears of joy in the driveway, or laughing that his reverse psychological powers are playing out exactly the way he has planned . I'M MOWING THE FREAKING YARD AND HE'S NOT . Which ever it is , it's getting done and that's all that matters . We are a team and so what if he's brainwashing me . Sometimes he deserves a break, and freshly mowed turf.

Lifestyles of the Turf and Famous

YOU MIGHT BE MARRIED TO A  MOT................... If you find yourself watching TV together.. right ? very rare.. almost unbelievable, during which you're watching some type of sporting event and your significant other starts in on a 3 hr rant (OK 5 mins but I dozed off after 2.5 seconds )about how Xyz bla bla bla striped the field the wrong way according to player and spectator vision .Seriously???.. Does  this even matter in real life ? Come on here , innocent chickens are killed everyday by the masses for their succulent wings and he's worried about directional striping patterns. Even worse,wait..... What the heck is happening here? He's now making perfect logical sense to me.I'm now honing in on this grass massacre. I...just...can't..look..away...My eyes are starting to bleed and I'm becoming very annoyed. What the heck this the matter with me? When did this actually start to matter ?????

 I can't make up anything  in our "normal" day to day life, even if I tried to really hard!. I seriously think we belong on a reality TV show.  Picture this... I'm holding down the fort, looking, impeccable, in full hair, makeup,skinny jeans and really expensive shoes . He's worried about his grass, It hasnt rained in days....He's stalking his really expensive radar technology system, that's just now stopped working..It's gone off line THE HORROR!! .He's really pissed off ..Why isn't his assistant picking up his phone .????? All the while I'm in the background looking completely fabulous ,drinking wine looking concerned. We are both playing it up for the camera.I wonder if I could actually pitch this to important TV people . It might actually work ..

So let's get back to the case at hand here . Does my MOT actually think analyzing these things and discussing them with me counts as communication ? Are we both actually trying to save the world by critiquing this field what wasn't mowed correctly? figuratively speaking of course... I'm sure in his mind we are spending quality time together .In my mind ,I'm begging for the phone to ring or perhaps an earthquake.
I do realize these subjects are important to him so they have to be important to me. ,and I actually have learned a lot ,so at least I'm getting something out of it . He's educating me how to call him out when I see "disease" in our own turf empire (our yard) or when the stripes have been mowed by someone with directional issues Insert evil laugh.

But the best part about this is though He's HOME, He's NOT asleep, He's NOT on his phone, He's NOT with Holly , He's with ME!!!!...  ....WOT-3 ,MOT-27 ,HOLLY-2,536,658,028

P.s. This is the "correct" way to stripe..
P.s.s Yes this is brown patch
P.s.s.s. Yes.. those ARE weeds...