Tiger Woods Didn't Write this...

So I thought I'd take a break from telling the world, about my Grass Grower's medical adventures and get back to what's important.. BEING A TURF WIDOW aka Grass Growing side chick. 

Remember there is ALWAYS a chick that comes first. That dirty, sometimes hairy little woman who will always come before anything and anyone in your life, no exceptions! Luckily for us as wives, we get to constantly compete with dirt, disease, weather, and Grass!! It doesn't matter if you have plans, a baby, or a birthday party, THE GRASS WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST! I always say Grass before Arse, maybe I need to trademark that phrase!! 

In the beginning of being a Turf Widow,( fore score and 150 years ago.. ) this used to annoy me to no end! Quite honestly I didn't understand the magnitude of the world I somehow blindfoldedly ( I have no idea if that is even a word, but we're going with it ) married into. I couldn't wrap my head around Grass! I mean Grass is everywhere, just throw some weird not safe for human consumption looking poisonous nerds on the ground and then water it in. Magic right? If it was only that simple.. 

I feel like I've been in this industry for so long now, that I have experienced every possible outcome, rather it be positive or negative, new or old. You name it, I've lived it! Maybe I should throw in the towel and become a Grass Grower myself..

Could you imagine the competitive talk in our house? "Well my greens are rolling at a 57 and my grassy mountains are covered in 3455 F Bermuda " or My spray tech has the rig collaborated to spray nematode infestations on the moon " or Look at my roots on my 1947 push-up greens compared to your 10 day old magical paspalum princess grass. I could go on and on! 

I've noticed over the years that as soon as I meet someone new, who has no earthly clue about what my husband does, these questions ALWAYS surface..

1. So your husband is a landscaper? No, Janet, he's not. He isn't a crew leader for Big Bobby's Grow & Blow lawn maintenance. 

2. Oh Wow! Do you guys know Tiger Woods? I mean listen, Lisa, if we knew TW do you really think I would actually tell you? Do you actually think you would be my dinner date at his house??? NO LISA WE DON'T KNOW HIM! 

3. A personal favorite of mine... Hey, I know we haven't talked in 32 years, but I see you talk about your husband and what he does, and I love golf!! Do you think he can get me Masters tickets or maybe a tee time at Augusta? Ummm... if you even have the balls to ask me this, YOU KNOW NOTHING about golf, and you sure as sheet need to take your pitted balls back to whatever yardsale Facebook site you bought them from...Jesus Christ himself can't even get on at the National...

4. So your husband is a "Golf Pro"? NO Sherry, my husband isn't a well-dressed instructor. My husband is the reason you get to even hire a golf pro, and complain to your Club Bartender about how too fast the greens are or how he is solely responsible for your worst round of golf ever because the superintendent has the pins too close to whatever body of water that pissed you off

5. Well I researched exactly what it is that your husband does, I can't wait for him to meet my husband, he loves to golf, do you think he could get a tee time or maybe even hook him up with a free round????!!!!???.... Umm.. just because I have actually let you in on what pays my bills, that doesn't mean YOU REAP ANY REWARD!! This also doesn't mean "if" you actually get to meet my husband ( you know the one who works 95 hours a week) that he will actually want to be cornered by your starstruck husband and talk about the Liv Tour, what it's like at the Masters, or IF WE KNOW TIGER WOODS! Please for the love of God, just stop talking!!! 

6. Yes I have been asked this before, "how can you be married to someone who is ruining the environment " Listen, Crunchy Christine, most, ALL courses nowadays are strictly monitored by the EPA and are Audubon Certified. Organic pesticides and fertility are used on a daily basis and nothing is running off to destroy your Crunchy campsite on an Indian burial ground!

7. Do you actually have a husband? Yes, Karen, I do.. how do you think I don't have a job outside of the home and my bills still get paid? I haven't secretly won the lottery and want to live a modest life in your HOA Groverened Hood. 

I could go on and on and on. One thing I hope whoever is reading this outside of the "industry" takes this away from my words is this.. 

We are just normal everyday people. We are wives, mothers, sisters, cousins grandmothers, etc. We are already pissed off at our husbands for never being home. We are exhausted from having to be mom and dad to our children. Our brains are fried because we are forced to learn about turfgrass and cultural practices just so we can understand what the heck our Grass Growers are talking about. We miss the wonderful circles of humans we used to have in the town that was promised to us, would be the last move! Our chef skills get ignored because there is ALWAYS an empty seat at the table and a leftover plate of food in the microwave because our grass grower promised he would be home early enough to try your new dinner recipe! We are pulled in 15 different directions trying to keep it all together and afloat. We hardly get "me" time or a family vacation. We constantly have to question every single person we meet, for fear of a fake friendship just because your hubs is who he is, and does what he does, praying this person will be different. We move around a lot! We have to constantly explain to our families why our husbands can't keep a job, when in reality moving on to the next course will either make or break their career. BEING A TURF WIFE IS NOT GLAMOROUS NOR FUN! We are often envious of your Banker 9-5 husbands or your ability to actually sit with your man, and his attention be solely on you, not his course or the weather or their irrigation systems.. . 

So the next time you get to actually meet one of us.. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE heed my words and just realize TURF WIVES need support and probably a hug too. We are just normal girls who met weird boys who liked to play with dirt and grow things in it. We love sharing some aspects of our lives, but don't really want to constantly answer 50 thousand questions about our husbands! And lastly NO WE DON'T KNOW TIGER WOODS!!