You know what scares the crap out of me ? This "industry ". I've decided I'm going to get a bit more "raw" for this entry and pour my heart into it . In my experience over the years as a WOT, I've observed 2 kinds of MOTS, a lifer and a bouncer . A Lifer is someone who starts at a course and stays there ,their entire career. A Bouncer ,is someone who goes from course to course ,gaining experience growing different grasses in different climates,over the course of a few short years . I'm married to the ladder , the in-between.
In exactly 8 days from today ,we are leaving our ,MY safety net. A net where my heart and soul begins and ends . My family and our friends and everything that our daughter has ever known . This scares the shit out of me . My MOT hasn't lived with us since October. Bells and I have been fiercely immersed in our own routine. We are truly living the turf widow life . I am treading barely above water , taking one day at a time . Letting my inner voice take over . I am my own worst enemy. I'm not looking at the positive, I'm reverting back to the "bouncer" mentality ,un-attaching myself from everyone and everything . All of the what ifs are a constant plague weighing on my mental sanity . My MOT assures me that ,this move will be life changing for us , but truthfully ,I just don't see it . Maybe it's my negative attitude from day 1 ,I mean why would I be excited about moving to Huntsville, AL, leaving our life here and our family behind. .I really don't like anything about it or the idea itself. Will this state be our saving grace ? Or will this just end up being another chapter in our story ? As I have stated before, I hate any kind of change. My parents still live in the same house I grew up in , they live 3 blocks away . When we move they will be 10 hrs away .I'm very close to my family. Huntsville is my MOT'S hometown . His story begins there , but does our chapter really need to be a part of it ? I really don't have the choice,I have to put my faith in him and just enjoy the ride .Again the fear sets in . What happens in a year from now ,will we have to move ? .Will we have to uproot our daughter again ? What if in that year we're still there and I actually have decided that he was right . Will that make me resent him ,for moving us to a town ,to a place I could really care not to connect with ? Or will that make me love him more ,because he saw something I couldn't? Attitude is everything ,perception is judgment . What I'm doing right now is rambling, throwing every possible negative scenario into the mix ,instead of looking at the positive. A positive situation where my MOT is taking charge and doing something for the betterment of our existence. I'm just being spoiled brat , throwing a fit and trying to get my way, praying and grabbing onto every last olive branch of hope in these last 8 days, channeling a miracle to happen ,so I don't have to leave MY safety net . Not ours MINE . Wtf is the matter with me ? I'm a WOT for God's sake . I have the ability to make anything happen, even under the most dire circumstances. In the past 8 months of basically being a single parent , I've learned a lot about myself . Not only am I insanely independent, I'm also insanely venerable, and truthfully I don't like it . I have no idea why I'm fighting this change . Why I'm mentally doubting my MOT'S intentions . Maybe because deep down inside the layers of my insanity, I know he's right ,or it's the years of baggage and the heartache that comes along with being involved in this lifestyle. A life of turf ,a life of being married to a golf course superintendent, the good the bad and the ugly.
In exactly 8 days from today ,we are leaving our ,MY safety net. A net where my heart and soul begins and ends . My family and our friends and everything that our daughter has ever known . This scares the shit out of me . My MOT hasn't lived with us since October. Bells and I have been fiercely immersed in our own routine. We are truly living the turf widow life . I am treading barely above water , taking one day at a time . Letting my inner voice take over . I am my own worst enemy. I'm not looking at the positive, I'm reverting back to the "bouncer" mentality ,un-attaching myself from everyone and everything . All of the what ifs are a constant plague weighing on my mental sanity . My MOT assures me that ,this move will be life changing for us , but truthfully ,I just don't see it . Maybe it's my negative attitude from day 1 ,I mean why would I be excited about moving to Huntsville, AL, leaving our life here and our family behind. .I really don't like anything about it or the idea itself. Will this state be our saving grace ? Or will this just end up being another chapter in our story ? As I have stated before, I hate any kind of change. My parents still live in the same house I grew up in , they live 3 blocks away . When we move they will be 10 hrs away .I'm very close to my family. Huntsville is my MOT'S hometown . His story begins there , but does our chapter really need to be a part of it ? I really don't have the choice,I have to put my faith in him and just enjoy the ride .Again the fear sets in . What happens in a year from now ,will we have to move ? .Will we have to uproot our daughter again ? What if in that year we're still there and I actually have decided that he was right . Will that make me resent him ,for moving us to a town ,to a place I could really care not to connect with ? Or will that make me love him more ,because he saw something I couldn't? Attitude is everything ,perception is judgment . What I'm doing right now is rambling, throwing every possible negative scenario into the mix ,instead of looking at the positive. A positive situation where my MOT is taking charge and doing something for the betterment of our existence. I'm just being spoiled brat , throwing a fit and trying to get my way, praying and grabbing onto every last olive branch of hope in these last 8 days, channeling a miracle to happen ,so I don't have to leave MY safety net . Not ours MINE . Wtf is the matter with me ? I'm a WOT for God's sake . I have the ability to make anything happen, even under the most dire circumstances. In the past 8 months of basically being a single parent , I've learned a lot about myself . Not only am I insanely independent, I'm also insanely venerable, and truthfully I don't like it . I have no idea why I'm fighting this change . Why I'm mentally doubting my MOT'S intentions . Maybe because deep down inside the layers of my insanity, I know he's right ,or it's the years of baggage and the heartache that comes along with being involved in this lifestyle. A life of turf ,a life of being married to a golf course superintendent, the good the bad and the ugly.
No comments:
Post a Comment