You Wanna Put that Pin Placement Where??

So I was on a course with my Grass Grower the other day and saw something that I've NEVER seen in my life. I've been around this business for far too long, I know things about grass the average girl shouldn't, not to mention, the things I've seen have given me plenty of ideas to write about over the years, but this???? This will probably get me a book deal if I write about it correctly! Hopefully not piss anyone off because technically it looks like I'm calling a course out. BUT,I really think I'm just in AWE..or I've spent too much time in an unventilated room with toxic danger stickers everywhere and I'm now hallucinating things.. 

Picture it, Sicily 1943 ..Now I've gotten off track, probably fell asleep to a Golden Girls episode, I don't ever remember watching them play golf, isnt that what a lot of retired people do? Isn't that what the retirement goal is?? Golf every waking moment?? Then Midnight Cheesecake with your homies?? To talk about Golf??

Ok, back to where I was going..... 

Que the Drums Francis...

Does your course lack that edge? Do you want to offer the Ultimate Golfing Experience? Are you, your Gm, Golf Pro, Owner, Chicken Wing Salesmen, or your Bagged Chip Dealer, scratching your heads about ways to increase  your summertime revenue? Did your great idea of Frisbee Golf just end up flying away?  Did your employees think they were given an emotional support, Company logo engraved, plastic saucer to fling at the secret poster that they have of you in the breakroom? Are you starting to notice everyone around you, employees, customers, peers, etc, are suffering from Disappointment Fatigue? (Yes, that's a real thing according to some made-up Internet Famous Millennial Doctor.) Is it YOUR life's mission to help Justin Thomas get his groove back??? I HAVE THE SOLUTION OF A LIFETIME!!!! 

We all know that summertime sadness means less work for the cash register, the magnetic strip on a debit card gets a break, and  minimal pound town time for your greens. Actual real time to get those summertime projects done, unless you live in a 12-month growing climate, where (use the man voice) "The grass never stops growing and there's STILL 200 plus rounds a day" YES it DOES still happen here...

Obliviously if your course is up der Nort ( yes it's words if you're from Wisconsin GO PACK GOOOO) where you only get 7 mins of sunshine and 77-degree summers, for the record I hate you and your 77 degree Summers but I WOULD DIE in your Winters. This is probably your "Season", and the Big Benjamins are raining down, However; YOU CAN STILL MAKE THIS WORK! IT'S FUN FOR EVERYONE!! 

I mean you, yes YOU, could be at the Forefront of this ONCE IN A LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY, BUT you must act fast!! I'm giving these away FOR FREE for the next 7 years! I will personally hold your hand as you, and your club, start to question what in the actual duck this thought process was!!! I don't know either!!!!! Does anyone actually know????!!!!???

Que the build-up music!!! 

I'm almost done dropping a trail of Greens Mix... Now roll that beautiful bean footage  Francis!!!!!!!!!... I bet the suspense is KILLING YOU!!! 

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to YOU my loyal readers, friends, and followers... CART PATH HOCKEY with your very own CART RUT PUCKS! FULLY CUSTOMIZABLE TOO! Every Green on your course is just a giant Puck screaming to be cut into this Circular Geniusness!! Quit worrying about the Summertime Slump!!! WE HAVE YOU COVERED!! 

You can even use the bad grass too! I can supply you with tiny little elf scissors for the perfect height of cut!!! Cup cutters are multi-use magic!!!! The possibilities are endless people!!!

Now I know what you are thinking! Why didn't YOU come up with this magic money-making idea!! The big dreams of extra income as a steady stream are probably not within your reach anymore, because you probably are now unemployed. BUT, to think it was YOU who started this GOLFING World Wide Phenomenon, certainly MIGHT not be a great addition to your resume! BUT you're a Trailblazer!! You thought outside of the Green ( and probably ruined holes #12, 6,9, and 2) BUT your creativity will not go unnoticed!!!! 

Hopefully, no drone commercials are being scheduled or important tournaments. I'm sure your course is now on the Cart Path Hockey Recruitment Radar!!! Marketing Genius I say!!! 

Make it rain dollar bills yo to fix your not-million-dollar idea! Kudos to you Cart Puck Creator!! You're NOT the Real American Hero!! 

I really wish I was making this up, but if I didn't see it with my own 2 blue eyes.. Can anyone top this?? I mean seriously! 

I have so many questions! I'm sure everyone reading this is equally perplexed. Even worse?? These AREN'T from a nursery either. These are freshly cut from a GREEN! A GREEN!!!!  I'm not going to divulge the exact location, because I'm under very strict proprietary rules and regulations from The National, International, Institution of the Puck Rut Mafia..please understand...

Sound off below my Turf-alicious Readers. I'm counting on YOU..

Let's bring the EOP YETI SWAG CUP(early order program trophy ) Home!!  Let's celebrate the World's First Ever CART PATH HOCKEY TEAM!! 

"The WeedEaters" has a nice ring to it! .. 

How To Piss Off A Turf Wife

Hello there readers, on this week's episode of Till Turf Do Us Part, I want to discuss COMMON SENSE and how a lot of people obviously missed that day in elementary school. 

I don't know if you know this, BUT during your round of Golf, your decisions, or lack thereof affect EVERY Turf Wife in the World! I don't know if you actually know this, but please trust me when I say, ok write this. 

Did you know that when it rains and you get mad because it's Cart Path only, there is a real-life Agronomonic reason for this? Although maybe you "think" it's just a puddle but imagine 300 plus people a day having your same thought process and that puddle now becomes The Creature of the Blue Lagoon..BE A RULE FOLLOWER I SWEAR YOU WILL HAVE A MUCH BETTER EXPERIENCE!! 

How does this affect a Turf Wife'? Well, it's funny you should ask, because it actually takes more time to fix, which, makes a grass grower come home in a pissy mood when he FINALLY graces us 4 hrs later than originally told he would be home. 

The back 9 is closed for blah bla blah reasons. If any 9 or 18 or just a hole is closed, RESPECT THE REASON, BECAUSE THERE ACTUALLY IS*A REASON! It could be any number of things, but it doesn't mean you can sweet talk your way through the pro shop to get on said closed hole, because this is your last day on earth and Jesus won't let you into the gates unless you have touched bla bla hole. 

Turf wife effect? Well honestly this has no impact on my life unless you actually do this, then I get to hear about how ridiculous and entitled human beings are. 

If you are those weird people who are actually functioning as sane human beings with a tee time BEFORE 8 am, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE use that thing that is on top of your neck ( umm your skull but inside that skull is your noggin). You see a maintenance crew member out doing whatever it is they are "supposed " to be doing for course setup. STAY OUT OF THEIR WAY!!! Would you dare go into a restaurant and demand a 6-course meal when they aren't even finished prepping yet??? I think not! Here's an example and something that was completely new to me when I was on my grass grower's course the other day.. His spray tech was out spraying magical grass juice ( I can't pronounce half of the products used so Magic Grass Juice just covers All the things) and carts were actually trailing behind! Umm ok? If your round now results in weird skin boils, don't come complaining to me! ( no your skin isn't going to boil over with weird little aliens emerging ) but you know what WILL happen? You're going to track that Magic Grass Juice ALL OVER THE COURSE. Greens, Tees, fairways, etc. I'm not talking just about your cart, I'm talking about your shoes, your cart's wheels, ANYTHING THAT HAS TOUCHED SAID MAGIC GRASS JUICE! 

Turf Wife Effect? Your lack of patience and stalking the spray tech has the potential to RUIN ok not ruin BUT cause product burn on my grass grower's precious blades of grass, which in turn creatures MORE work, phone calls from owners, Gms, etc calling at ALL hours questioning WHY.. that, in turn, takes away from MY TIME, which is VERY few and far between with MY grass grower when he is OFF DUTY! 

If your Tee Time is at 8:27 AM... YOU TEE OFF AT 8:27 AM. Not earlier because you are bff with a retired cart boy, not later because you saw a starship trooper and had to get his autograph BE ON TIME! Even being 5 mins late screws up the ENTIRE tee sheet for the day and puts Maintenance behind! 

Turf Wife effect? Being late or early screws everything and everyone up and things have the chance to be missed resulting in MORE WORK and if I had plans with my grass grower for let's say lunch, he'd probably have to cancel because his day is now in the poo hole. 

You have a bad shot and took a chunk out of a green. I can't believe the people who actually think this is ok.. "it's just grass and will grow back" IT'S NOT JUST GRASS AND IT WON'T GROW BACK! I mean it will BUT not overnight! It takes WEEKS..( yes you can plug or grab a nursery scrap, BUT IT STILL TAKES WEEKS TO GROW IN)

Turf Wife effect? I mean it's the equivalent of telling your kid that Santa died and Christmas is canceled because the elves are on strike. DO NOT TAKE CHUNKS, it's really that simple! RESPECT THE GRASS!! 

It's Aerifcation or Verti cut day!!! Let's just say Cultural Practices and cover it all! I'm sure as a member or an insider at your course it's communicated way in advance, maybe even told to you directly! PLEASE RESPECT THE PRACTICE! These things are done so YOU CAN PLAY and have the best possible playing surface your course's budget allows! Don't bitch or complain to EVERY employee, person you can find to listen to your sadness. This will not get you on the course faster nor give you extra points from the Superintendents. You are a paying customer who has to just deal with it and I PROMISE this is all for good reason! 

Turf Wife effect? Longer hours away from home. Or when they actually get home, they are absolutely useless and just shower, maybe mumble something to you and the kids, then they disappear into dreamland. I guess that's a good thing if they sleep talk, Hello Tik Tok Videos 😆

The bottom line is that regardless of where you are in your golfing journey, what you "think" you know about golf, I can guarantee you don't! I really really recommend getting to know your Superintendent. Ask them WHY.. instead of assuming and thinking. Ask them about their family! Grass Growers LOVE to explain the "science" of why rules and practices are put into place. Most importantly treat them and the course with respect! THEY ARE HERE FOR YOUR "HOBBY" and want nothing more than to give you the best experience you've ever had! And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REMEMBER EVERY ACTION YOU DO OR DONT DO EFFECTS a Turf Wife and lord knows we wives have enough to deal with on top of stupid decisions from people we don't even know! 

Why Stimpmeters Matter..

It's no secret that I've been in this industry for what seems like 100 years. Although I don't grow the magical grass, I'm married to someone that does, so that kinda just grandfather's me in right? Like Im an honorary inductee to the Turf Grass Growing Hall of Wax Figures Fame! Just call me Ma'dam TurfWidow.. 

There has got to be some weird formula to calculate one human year vs grass growing years, think dog years vs human years but way more. So basically if you are, say 50 in human years, that makes you about 80 in grass-growing years.. I'm sure most of you reading my word vomit would absolutely love to spend 5 minutes in my head, just to see where I come up with half the crap I put onto paper. 🤣.. 

Ok back to where I was going before losing my pitching wedge in the rough that hasn't been mowed in 2 weeks.. 

I'm always curious as to "why" someone gets into "Turf Grass" 

Did you get grounded as a kid and all of your toys taken away, so all you could do was grab a stick and literally watch grass grow? 

Did you kinda fall into it because you loved playing golf and decided "These greens are complete garbage and "I watched my dad grow pumpkins " so I know I can grow anything?! " Or, perhaps you just thought " I like grass, love being outside and I know how to read a bag of fertilizer so this is my jam! " Or did you actually dream of this instead of being a Fireman or Policeman? 

What puzzles me even more, are the, as I call them, The "Title Superintendents" you know the ones I'm talking about.. They wear expensive dress shoes and have a monthly subscription to the latest and greatest golf fashion clothing box. I can bet my life they don't own 1 pair of cargo shorts either.  They sit in their offices with the ac cranking and barking out orders through a text message. They have no idea what is going on, on their properties. THEY GO ON MULTIPLE VACATIONS DURING THE SUMMER ( like seriously 2 weeks away in JULY!! Who does that and most importantly DO YOU EVEN REALLY GROW GRASS BRO?) They don't even communicate to their Assistant, Foreman, or Director ,GM (I'm just covering all bases here, and this could happen at any type of club, low, middle, or high Private, Muni etc)  a plan of action during absence! I can also bet my life, these "Title Superintendents" have never ever gotten rained on  by the Green Pigment Liquid Fairy " and probably have no idea what the red plastic small flag thing is for an irrigation value. They are also the ones who arrive at 7 am and leave around 9 am FOR THE ENTIRE DAY! Their hands NEVER get dirty or gashed! Their Crew completely doesn't respect them and therefore the course overall suffers, which then creates more work FOR EVERYONE, and lots of time and money are spent just to cover someone's "don't give a damn anymore. "Before I get slammed with negative comments or a message from a sensitive somebody thinking I'm calling them out personally if you think I'm talking about you? I probably am 🤣🙈..  

PLEASE explain this to me! Please help me to understand! From where I sit, all I see is a person who collects their paycheck. NOT a grass grower with PASSION and PURPOSE! NOT a professional Grass Growing Magician! NOT a true professional dirt farmer who would do this for FREE because turf grass just flows through your veins. NOT someone who lives by the GRASS BEFORE ARSE MOTTO ( OK I made that up, but it's totally true!!! ) Most importantly HOW DO THEY STILL HAVE EMPLOYMENT? I just don't UNDERSTAND! Do they not realize, it doesn't matter how much you know, what seminar you're taking at the GCSAA tradeshow, etc..YOU'RE ONLY AS GOOD AS YOU ARE BECAUSE OF YOUR CREW! ONCE YOU LOSE THAT RESPECT, YOU LOSE WAYYYY MORE THAN YOUR GREENS! 

How can a grass grower actually live with themselves knowing their property is in complete shambles and STILL choose to look the other way? Is this what happens when your passion and purpose leave the building? Or is this just a result of just wanting to play the part ( remember the clothing subscription 🤔) and never ever signing your soul over to the Grass Growing Gods? 

For the first time in FOREVER, I feel like Grass Growers are FINALLY getting the attention and recognition that they deserve! In almost every televised tour event, there is mention of THANKS to ALL the hardworking GROUNDS CREWS and THE SUPERINTENDENT! As a turf-wife, this just makes my heart happy!!! FINALLY, the Men and Women who work their fingers to the bone for someone else's "game" or hobby are getting the Atta Boy/Girl that they sooooo deserve!! 

 Seriously how can someone that just sits in an office with a shiny clean cart, that works maybe 20 hrs a week, think they are even on that same level??? It's almost disrespectful to even consider. If someone can't or doesn't want this career, please move over because there are tons of guys and girls, who would cut off their fingers to be able to run the show and sit in that big leather office chair. Maybe it's time to just reevaluate and get a job at your local home improvement center, in the garden department... 

I know this entry is a little different from what I usually write about, but I'm seeing it more and more these days and I just need to say it, because if I don't, who will? 😉🙃

"Respect The Soil and The Grass Growing Powers That Be, Will Reward You, Disrespect it and well you will get a TED! "( Turf Eating Disease) 

-Author Unknown 

--

Tiger Woods Didn't Write this...

So I thought I'd take a break from telling the world, about my Grass Grower's medical adventures and get back to what's important.. BEING A TURF WIDOW aka Grass Growing side chick. 

Remember there is ALWAYS a chick that comes first. That dirty, sometimes hairy little woman who will always come before anything and anyone in your life, no exceptions! Luckily for us as wives, we get to constantly compete with dirt, disease, weather, and Grass!! It doesn't matter if you have plans, a baby, or a birthday party, THE GRASS WILL ALWAYS COME FIRST! I always say Grass before Arse, maybe I need to trademark that phrase!! 

In the beginning of being a Turf Widow,( fore score and 150 years ago.. ) this used to annoy me to no end! Quite honestly I didn't understand the magnitude of the world I somehow blindfoldedly ( I have no idea if that is even a word, but we're going with it ) married into. I couldn't wrap my head around Grass! I mean Grass is everywhere, just throw some weird not safe for human consumption looking poisonous nerds on the ground and then water it in. Magic right? If it was only that simple.. 

I feel like I've been in this industry for so long now, that I have experienced every possible outcome, rather it be positive or negative, new or old. You name it, I've lived it! Maybe I should throw in the towel and become a Grass Grower myself..

Could you imagine the competitive talk in our house? "Well my greens are rolling at a 57 and my grassy mountains are covered in 3455 F Bermuda " or My spray tech has the rig collaborated to spray nematode infestations on the moon " or Look at my roots on my 1947 push-up greens compared to your 10 day old magical paspalum princess grass. I could go on and on! 

I've noticed over the years that as soon as I meet someone new, who has no earthly clue about what my husband does, these questions ALWAYS surface..

1. So your husband is a landscaper? No, Janet, he's not. He isn't a crew leader for Big Bobby's Grow & Blow lawn maintenance. 

2. Oh Wow! Do you guys know Tiger Woods? I mean listen, Lisa, if we knew TW do you really think I would actually tell you? Do you actually think you would be my dinner date at his house??? NO LISA WE DON'T KNOW HIM! 

3. A personal favorite of mine... Hey, I know we haven't talked in 32 years, but I see you talk about your husband and what he does, and I love golf!! Do you think he can get me Masters tickets or maybe a tee time at Augusta? Ummm... if you even have the balls to ask me this, YOU KNOW NOTHING about golf, and you sure as sheet need to take your pitted balls back to whatever yardsale Facebook site you bought them from...Jesus Christ himself can't even get on at the National...

4. So your husband is a "Golf Pro"? NO Sherry, my husband isn't a well-dressed instructor. My husband is the reason you get to even hire a golf pro, and complain to your Club Bartender about how too fast the greens are or how he is solely responsible for your worst round of golf ever because the superintendent has the pins too close to whatever body of water that pissed you off

5. Well I researched exactly what it is that your husband does, I can't wait for him to meet my husband, he loves to golf, do you think he could get a tee time or maybe even hook him up with a free round????!!!!???.... Umm.. just because I have actually let you in on what pays my bills, that doesn't mean YOU REAP ANY REWARD!! This also doesn't mean "if" you actually get to meet my husband ( you know the one who works 95 hours a week) that he will actually want to be cornered by your starstruck husband and talk about the Liv Tour, what it's like at the Masters, or IF WE KNOW TIGER WOODS! Please for the love of God, just stop talking!!! 

6. Yes I have been asked this before, "how can you be married to someone who is ruining the environment " Listen, Crunchy Christine, most, ALL courses nowadays are strictly monitored by the EPA and are Audubon Certified. Organic pesticides and fertility are used on a daily basis and nothing is running off to destroy your Crunchy campsite on an Indian burial ground!

7. Do you actually have a husband? Yes, Karen, I do.. how do you think I don't have a job outside of the home and my bills still get paid? I haven't secretly won the lottery and want to live a modest life in your HOA Groverened Hood. 

I could go on and on and on. One thing I hope whoever is reading this outside of the "industry" takes this away from my words is this.. 

We are just normal everyday people. We are wives, mothers, sisters, cousins grandmothers, etc. We are already pissed off at our husbands for never being home. We are exhausted from having to be mom and dad to our children. Our brains are fried because we are forced to learn about turfgrass and cultural practices just so we can understand what the heck our Grass Growers are talking about. We miss the wonderful circles of humans we used to have in the town that was promised to us, would be the last move! Our chef skills get ignored because there is ALWAYS an empty seat at the table and a leftover plate of food in the microwave because our grass grower promised he would be home early enough to try your new dinner recipe! We are pulled in 15 different directions trying to keep it all together and afloat. We hardly get "me" time or a family vacation. We constantly have to question every single person we meet, for fear of a fake friendship just because your hubs is who he is, and does what he does, praying this person will be different. We move around a lot! We have to constantly explain to our families why our husbands can't keep a job, when in reality moving on to the next course will either make or break their career. BEING A TURF WIFE IS NOT GLAMOROUS NOR FUN! We are often envious of your Banker 9-5 husbands or your ability to actually sit with your man, and his attention be solely on you, not his course or the weather or their irrigation systems.. . 

So the next time you get to actually meet one of us.. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE heed my words and just realize TURF WIVES need support and probably a hug too. We are just normal girls who met weird boys who liked to play with dirt and grow things in it. We love sharing some aspects of our lives, but don't really want to constantly answer 50 thousand questions about our husbands! And lastly NO WE DON'T KNOW TIGER WOODS!! 

The Worst Irrigation Blow Out Of ALL Time ..

The first couple of days in the hospital were a blur. Doctors in and out constantly. Tests, needle sticks and more tests!!!!! 

I still haven't told anyone what was going on. I mean we had no idea either so why get anyone in a panic?? The Doctors still were clueless as to why? For some strange reason ( PLEASE DONT GO ALL SAVAGE ON ME FOR EVEN THINKING THIS) my first thought was "O..MAUGH GAWD" CHEMICAL EXPOSURE from the YEARS and I say years because we know he's older than dirt 🤣...( imagine little fetus Patterson running in the cotton fields in a cloth diaper with MSU on it, with his dark dirty, ok it's now salt & pepper hair, glistening in the golden hour of Alabamia), but I quickly knocked that thought out of my mind. "If" and I say that with a BIG IF that was the case, grass growers would be dropping like flies!!! 

1 year before, this man moved us again to a foreign land called Atlanta ( if you know you know) He had the bright idea to once again put me through a move and a renovation, but this time it was different.. ( aren't ALL the times different???) This time it was an in-house aka I'm doing it all by myself this time 🙄.. but THIS time it was a miracle grass called Zoysia ( I'll let you guess the variety because that would mean Im promoting it and any promotion that comes from my mouth needs to be followed by little pieces of treasury paper or a check ) and he was going to be that guy to put this special magical grass on the ground .. Maybe this special grass did him in??? ( disclaimer the only kind of "special grass that can do you in, is the devils lettuce NOT A TURF GRASS) 

I'll never forget when it all started.. the uti..(s) the lack of energy, the incontinence ( which I only found out about later, as he was laying in a twin bed, hooked up to ALL the things, with tubes in ALL the places) I should have known something was up when he started refusing coffee, and food in general, the distended stomach... the 2am wake up of him down right hysterical because he was urinating straight blood.. 

I won't go into graffic detail.BUT 3 or 4 doctor visits,and an actual 3am road trip to the ER.( GOOD TIMES). Drink more water and oh here's some antibiotics that should knock this out.. wait do you wear boxers or briefs..

NOT 1 DOCTOR thought wait, this can't be normal for an otherwise BASICALLY HEALTHY MIDDLE AGE MAN .. and the best part, the guilt that I live with every day of my life, STILL.. I grew up in a Dialysis Clinic, (my grandfather started the process when I was 5) I was a Nuerophrology Nurse and I STILL DIDN'T CATCH ON TO ANY OF THIS!!!! As long as I have air in my lungs, I'll never forgive myself. I don't even think he knows this. Those 3 weeks watching my husband basically chained to a very uncomfortable bed, not leaving his side, not caring for anything on the outside, including myself, advocating for his care ( I know I was a nightmare to ALL the staff, but I brought in doughnuts and coffee( the GOOD KIND) every day to make up for my "twat-ness") I NEVER once let on to him, that on the inside I was having a nervous breakdown basically knowing my husband was going to die. How could I do this without him? How could I be the parent our daughter needed me to be? How! How! How! (I'm just letting you in on the crazy 24/7 that runs through my mind..ha! ) 

After much resistance from me, he finally put it out on social media what was going on. Great, I've told no one and now all of the sudden I have to explain to everyone and their second cousins uncle's sister's brother what was going on. Exactly what I wanted to be doing,while my world was exploding. It's really funny when something like this happens.. the people whom you would expect to be by your side for support, are now suddenly ghosts ( just know that I certainly MIGHT forgive, but Ill NEVER forget your actions..turf world, blood or platonic etc) BUT the people, family , friends, and so on.. whom out of left field that just show up in a hospital room, or text you continuously expecting no response regardless of knowing you or him , completely touched my soul, and I/we will forever be eternally greatful for your hearts, your words and actions. 

Then there it was, an ultrasound came back and we officially have a diagnoses... a distended bladder that was so stretched out ( your bladder is basically the size of a grapefruit) his bladder the size of Texas! With any type of of anything that is stretched out beyond the heavens problems now become a thing.

Ok, I'll put in grass growing terms, when you have an irrigation line that's clogged what happens? MASSIVE BLOW OUT! In my grass grower's senerio, his irrigation lake was backing up into his lines (utherers, it's a real thing connected to your kidneys, and no its not a cow utters) In true Patterdashian style, his were not clogged they basically looked like barbed wire, which led his kidneys to be put on salary so they were working 90 plus extra hours of overtime! You guys..THIS IS NOT NORMAL!!!! 

So what is the next step? Well you're just going to have to wait until I find it with in me to write it out.. I told you, this might just be 75k pages long ... 

Oh Snap, Someone Put Roundup in the Fertigation Tank!!

The drive over to his shop was only about 5 miles from my office, but it seriously felt like time stood still. Those 5 miles turned into 50. Of course I was in complete panic mode. Why when you're in a all hands on deck crisis, does the universe decide that EVERY CAR ON THE ROAD NEEDS TO DRIVE 10MPH UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT!!! Like GTFO of my way. My Grass Grower's pipes are leaking and his pump station is in "WARNING MODE". Move people!!!! 

When I FINALLY arrived to the shop, my grass grower was nowhere in sight. Would you believe this jerk, was actually still on some madmax looking driving device thing with wheels, trying to fix whatever broke on whatever hole ( if you know the course he was at,at the time, you will totally understand) instead of actually LISTENING TO ME OR A DOCTOR telling him to get his gluteus maximus (any of the three muscles in each buttock which move the thigh, the largest of which is the gluteus maximus.) to the ER IMMEDIATELY! 

I can't tell you what came over me! I actually had to call him to come back to the shop! Umm you're in Kidney Failure, you're body is shutting down, but hey let's go dig a freaking hole, because that's sooo much more important THAN YOUR LIFE!!! 

I've never been the turf wife to disrespect him infront of his crew ever. I always save that for when he comes home, 6 hrs later than first told, but the demon that came out of my mouth that day even surprised me. I basically jerked a knot in his Alabamian hard headed body, said alot of loud, very loud bad words. I even think at one point I threw a water bottle at him, just barley missing his face. I know im making myself sound like a complete physco, but if you are married to one of these "special men", you totally understand.   

After standing in the parking lot for about 15mins screaming at him to get in the car, my toddler fit was over, I got my way and off to the ER we went. Luckily for us, the Doc called ahead and told them we were coming. The drive over was weird. We both sat in complete silence, probably trying to process WTF was going on.

We walked into the door at the ER, get him checked in, triage, blood work, bla bla bla ,etc and After what seemed like an eternity, a man in a white jacket walked in with an entourage. I really thought he would tell us, that this was a huge mistake, the blood tests were wrong, and to get him dressed so he could go back to digging his hole or whatever he was doing. 

Boy was I sooo wrong. My grass grower was IN COMPLETE KIDNEY FAILURE, so much so that his organs where in the process of beginning to shut down. If you know my Grass Grower, this probably won't suprise you, he NEVER does anything half arsed. It's always a go big or go home type of ANYTHING! Why would I think a life altering medical apocaliptic event be any different????!!!!???

Then there it was, we're admiting him. "Umm... Excuse me " you're what???!!!?? I shake my head in disbelief. Meanwhile I look over at my beloved husband, who now all of the sudden looks so less than life, completely almost grey ( why am i know just noticing this!!!! )and in an instant my world began to crash. Even though I constantly troll him, I can't imagine my life without him. He truly is the Ying to my yang, my ride or die. We're not supposed to have to worry about this health crap for atleast 30 more years. The entire time, I'm trying to remain the strong , cool, have my sheet together wife, not to mention our daughter has no idea this is going on, no one does, and then I remember she's got an opening scrimmage game later than evening.. 

If you are keeping up with my pervious posts, you will understand that I'm digging VERY deep to relive this nightmare, so you'll just have to wait to hear/read more....🙃 

When Pylex is Sprayed with a Wand instead of a Sponge Application..

WARNING!!! THIS POST MIGHT BE 75,000 PAGES LONG! 

FEBRUARY 1, 2019, started as a normal Friday morning in the Patterdashian household. The grass grower was already out growing grass, or doing whatever it is that he does to receive the Benjamins..

The superbowl was being played that year in Atlanta and was just 2 days away. Against my better judgment,( I say that because we all know we are diehard packer fans and if my team aint playing I cant be bothered) I somehow scored tickets to a pregame something at Mercedes Benz Stadium. I mean we lived in Atl and this was really once in a lifetime score! 

I proceeded to get ready for work, It was FRIYAY and I made it through another week at a job that I absolutely hated, but thats beside the point. I hit the parking lot and all of the sudden my gut instinct was telling me, something was brewing. ( I'm weird like that..don't judge 😅) I stood and waited for the elevator to take me to my prison cell for my 8 hrs of confinement. I got to my floor, walked into my office and settled in. 

8:45 am my cell phone range and it was my grass grower, my stomach sank, because he NEVER calls me at work, a random text message? Absolutely! All day long infact, but a phone call??? Remember that feeling of "oh snap?" NEVER! I picked up and it went something like this...

GG( Grass Grower) -"Hey Babe" 

TW(Turf Widow) - Umm..Hi.. 

GG- OK so don't freak out ( why in the history of ALL the things do men ALWAYS start a really bad conversation with don't freak out!! I am always going to freak out when I hear that because why wouldn't I be in complete utter freak mode when you tell me not to????!!????)

TW- (Feeling the pit of hellfire in my stomach. Here we go, GG lost his job and we are now in complete survival mode, I'm already having a panic attack before I even actually had a panic attack) trying to remain cool and calm, OK..what happened? 

GG- Remember when I went to the doctor the other day? Well my blood work came back, really bad. 

TW- umm.. ok..? Let me guess, your levels are high because your a man and you might grow green things. But you don't eat green things ( veggies, fruits you know the healthy foods 😉) 

GG- I need to you be serious here. Not everything requires a smart ass one line zipper 

TW- (in my mind) Oh you Richard! How dare you!!! ..Ok I'll be an adult.. what do you mean? 

And there it was.. My heart stopped and instantly everything around me was spinning and in slow motion at the same time. 

GG- I'm in Kidney Failure. They want me to go to the ER immediately. But I feel fine. So I have a couple of things to do on the backhoe on number 9 ( see I freaking told you GRASS comes before EVERYTHING) and there's no way I'm missing that Superbowl experience. So I'll just go first thing Monday Morning. ( I swear to the heavens these are the exact words uttered from his mouth!!!!) 

TW- WHAT??? I'm leaving now, I'll meet you at the shop. YOU ARE GOING TO THE ER, even if I have to call the cops and make up some crazy story to get you there, this conversation is over. 

I hang up...

Right then and there I was having an out of body experience. How could my healthy 80 year old husband ( we all know he's not 80 , but sometimes he makes me think he is 😅)..ok he's like 50ish.. who works 100 hrs a week and still has time for all the fun things we do, currently, basically fighting for his life? How is this even possible? The blood work MUST be wrong.. there's no possible way in God's great big universe of unicorns with glitter farts that a simple needle stick in your arm and a vile of blood could potentially ruin my life! 

 

Alittle back story here, because obviously kidney failure just doesn't happen overnight and out of the blue.. My grass grower has had some issues over the years. But not alarming, just a random kidney stone here and there that he would go sit on a mower for an hour or two and rattle it out, as he would say. He was fine until he wasn't.... 

To be continued....🙃

When The Irrigation Pump Explodes In July..

I can not believe it's been almost 5 years since my last blog post. I feel like I'm about to tell my story to a room full of strangers who are going to silently judge me because I let the crusade down. Truth is, I let myself down. I have been so busy just trying to just SURVIVE, that I put on my gas mask, only to forget to hook up to an oxygen tank, to barely breath.

These 5 years of absence, have been literal Hell on earth. Those of you who are in my/our inner circle know, but it's time to let the rest of the world know.

It all began in 2019 when my grass grower got sick. I'm not talking about the man flu or a flesh-eating turf disease, I'm talking a visit to the ER( AFTER MONTHS OF BEING A NAGGING WIFE BEGGING HIM) to only be the proud winner of an extended THREE WEEK stay at a lovely Sterile Skyscraper in the sky. (Not really in the sky, but hospitals have like 85 floors, so..) ...Iv's stuck in every possible orifice and a million people in and out of an 18×20 air-conditioned cardboard box, ( probably a much bigger room, but that's completely pointless at this point.) constantly muttering things I didn't understand and my grass grower laying helpless in a very uncomfortable twin bed with gadgets that never stopped beeping in places we won't mention...( More on that later, but spoiler alert, HE DIDN'T DIE)

Flash forward a couple of months later, my world began to crumble. Keep in mind, this was all before the bat sickness invaded our lives...

My favorite Great Uncle decided his time on earth was finished and he had much better things to do upstairs. Crushed and already emotionally exhausted, the universe was like not so fast there Missy, I'm about to REALLY screw you up. Might as well kiss your old self goodbye, because life as you know it will NEVER be the same again.

CANCER, a six-letter word that you hope and pray will NEVER come out of your mouth nor your ears will hear. C-A-N-C-E-R. Luckily for me, I got to hear it twice!

My two BIGGEST cheerleaders, my rocks, my foundation for my entire being, my go-to humans for everything under the sun, were both diagnosed within months of each other.

My Mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and my grandmother, with stage 1 breast cancer.

If you have never been touched by this horrific nightmare, please consider yourself very lucky and know that I secretly hate you ( I know that's extreme and I could never really hate anyone but you understand) All of this to deal with, while I am still trying to heal my grass grower and the cherry on top, living 8 hrs away from my parents and the other side of the country from my Grammie. I guess I REALLY pissed off the universe.

Sadly after a VERY hard fight,

in 2020 my Grandmother took her last earthly breath ( right before the world shut down)and she is now one of my most precious Angels. I miss her so much and I'm constantly reminded daily of her absence in my life.

If you're not in tears yet, just wait I have more!!

I never got to fully grieve her,( my grammie) because I was still reeling from almost losing my husband ( I told you, I'll dive into that later) my Uncle and I was in the process of watching my once vibrant, unique, strong as nails, Beautiful Momma fights for her life!

Yet again sadly in 2021, exactly 1 year and 2 days apart from losing my grandmother, my beautiful beloved Mommy left me to be the most beautiful butterfly there is. My mom was my best friend! I truly believe that we were not only mother and daughter, but she was my soulmate. Yes, soulmates aren't just romantic partners...

Wrap your head around that for a second. In the stretch of 3 years I almost lost my grass grower, my great uncle, my grandfather ( I know I didn't mention that, we weren't really all that close) My grandmother, and then my mom. HOW DO YOU FUNCTION AFTER THAT!!!

I am the first to admit that I went off the rails. I went deep into my black cave of despair and I didn't care about anything. I was a robot with just enough oil to maintain existence. Updating a blog where I basically troll my grass grower was the absolute last thing on my mind. I know I was a complete disaster, an absolutely horrible wife, mother, and friend. I know it was all to be expected, but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I can honestly say, that if it wasn't for my tremendous grass grower, our gorgeous daughter, and my absolutely amazing friends. I don't think I would still be on this earth. I can NEVER thank these selfless humans enough, I'll be forever in their debt!

So here we are in 2023, I'm very slowly coming up for air and reintroducing myself to earth and all of the lovely grass-growing humans who have been wondering where in the hell is Mark's wife .. She's been here all along, just sitting in a triangle of sadness, trying to live, trying to heal and trying to make sense of this new reality and go through this very crappy discount store deck of cards she was dealt... But rest assured I am coming back stronger than ever and will be diligently cranking out my ridiculous word vomit, for your eye-reading enjoyment.

THANK YOU ALL for missing me, now let's get back to growing grass, it's summer time darn it!!

--

Watch me or join me...

Helllllloooooo world, its been a minute,alot of minutes to be exact. What can i say,im human and my life sometimes is to much to write about.

My gears have been churning though. I have a great idea that I need input on. I want to continue to write, but id also like to create a turf movement, a branding so to speak. Dont worry,it wont be a wives only club to bitch about how much I hate my grassgower on Wednesdays. Think beyond that. 

Id LOVE to hear opinions,good,bad etc.,and most importantly support. Would i get any ? HA...

Feel free to drop me a line here, or find me on FB, or email me @ Tv0949@gmail.com..

STAY TUNED...xo

Connie and Mildred Used To Be Brown

I'm sure you are looking for an update..truth is,OMG where do I even begin? I feel like I'm talking to my priest,Hello strangers,it's been 7 years since my last confession.

I can't say we are all butterflies and glitter BUT we are blessed that's for sure. God,the universe,whoever, has a big fat turf sense of humor! I've always said if we can't go big,we have to go home,but that's the thing ,we don't have a home as of rightnow.

When I tell you fast,I mean the phone rang on a Monday,we moved that Saturday. Our life is in storage rightnow and we're kids again staying with family,until we find somewhere to live.(If you're,reading this and are local to us ,FIND US A HOUSE😂) We kinda hit the jackpot here folks. Amazing gig,and family locally! Makes my heart happy !!

So let me back track here,I know my last few entries have been kinda cryptic,but our last adventure prohibited even breathing trade secrets. (I guess my ramblings have clout? HA!)But whatever,not even worth losing sleep or mind power over that chapter.

So flash forward to present time,did you feel the vortex sucking you in? Yes,that has been the whirl wind for the last 6 weeks.My grass grower doesn't do anything half arse. He can never just walk in and grow grass,EVER!!!So much so,that he now has two mistresses. Yes 2! I've named them Connie and Mildred.

They are both sweet souls,but they have gone through the ringer and back again 5 times.They both require extra TLC,See I told you the universe has a sense of humor.Maybe I was a criminal in a past life and this is my pay back. Kidding ..BUT they appreciate everything and are responding to my grass grower's mojo,and(excuse me while I shout)THE MEMBERSHIP IS AMAZING. Like the people dreams are made of,and we all know that makes growing grass so much better!

Everything about this new adventure is mind blowing! The company my grass grower now works for,in my opinion is one of the best ever! The support,the praise,the sense of urgency. We are so fortunate to be apart of! Thank you BCGM (shameless plug😜)

I feel like I'm rambling, but good Lord,I just can't rangle how in the world I'm supposed to center myself and update. I'm really trying to condense the last 6 weeks,but holy duck!! It's almost impossible!

What I can focus on is this, embracing GEORGIA,Mildred and Connie. They need my grass grower way more than I do rightnow. I'm fine with sharing for now.....😜💜

P.s. I love to hear from my readers! Feel free to drop a comment or just say hi. 💜

Why you should spend money on the right fertility program

I don't know how to put all this into a diplomatic essay,so if my post seems like a rant,it very well could be. Or prehaps it could a very precocious little ditty.

I'm having a hard time here understanding these simple terms.

1.Honesty(definition)to tell the truth. Example,if one has no intention of following through with a stated deal(agreed contract or offer)than please for the love of god,don't waste the energy of mother universe or precious time.

2.Expectation (definition)A belief that someone will or should achieve something. Example, if one was unhappy with a past result, what would make someone think "cheaping" the purse would enable near perfect results. In otherwords don't hire someone for 30 grand less than what your veteran expectation  is. Think education and experience with years of knowledge to handle a multitude of curve balls.

3.Trending(definition)Change or develop in a general direction. Example, just because everyone and everything are trying to keep up with the latest version of whatever "they" are doing, this doesn't mean it's always the correct road to travel down.In otherwords, if you have a set amount for a salary, stick to that and find the most qualified person for the money you are willing to spend.

4.Time(definition)do I really need to define this?Example, one should never expect a fast result. In otherwords,knowledge takes years to learn and expertise isn't often learned from a text book.

5.Knowledge(definition)Facts,information and skills acquired by a person through experience or education.Example,you have Little Jimmy who just graduated and is completely wet behind the ears. Then you have Kinda Big John who well thinks he is awesome,because,he was a farmer and has a big boy tractor.
Then walks in Super Sam, with a resume to die for,years of every kind of possible situtation and experience  under his belt and you know he's your guy. Infact you almost think he's  to good to be true.
What it all this boils down to is who is the perfect person to take your open position to the next level. Little Jimmy, Kinda Big John or Super Sam? The decision ???? Kinda Big John. Why not choose the person with the most knowledge? I wish I could explain that. I honestly have no idea. If this is what happens to you when you have spent hundreds and thousands of dollars to go to school and learn a craft, isn't that kinda a smack in the face? What is the point of striving for a higher education ?

There are many other points I'm sure that can be touched on here. This is just the tip on the iceberg. Bottom line is this, why do you have to work so hard in life and your career,only to be rejected by circumstances??

I'd love to hear thoughts on this.. please feel free to start a conversation with me or just vent .

The leaves are brown and we have a fungus

I've debated on whether I need to write about this season in our life, but it then hit me.I HAVE TO. Why do I have to? Because there is another "sister" going through this somewhere and my blog could be exactly what she needs to get out of bed today. Or me writing down what's in my head could be the reason I get out of bed today.

Truth is,we are treading on very tough waters mentally and physically. Our life is in a complete whirlwind of panic(well I'm in a panic,grass grower not so much) and limbo. Anyone who has been through this knows the industry is a hurry up and wait type of thing. There are so many channels that come with the hiring process and the speed is never fast enough for the person actually perusing the open position.

Deep down inside, I know my grass grower is pretty freaking talented so it's just a matter of time before the feast or fammin stage rolls in. But in the mean time the fammin is enough to drive any strong man,woman, dog,cat,monster,elephant(you get my drift)CRAZY!!!!

I was watching a movie the other day ..ok I was watching a mafia movie ..😂😂😂 and I honestly felt like wow this is my life.. well minus criminal activities and offing of people. (Please stay with me here, I swear I have a point.) But what I'm going after here is the "family" bond thing. When a fellow is down, the outpouring of love,kindness,and community is overwhelming. For all of that,we are entirely grestful and we love you all!!!!!

One thing I have noticed the most is the change in direction of my grass grower. The change mentally. The realization that it doesn't matter where, he just wants to grow grass. I was kinda,worried about him in this transition,but as in any situation,he has put on his big boy cargo shorts(Pat Jones reference) and handing it all like a boss. Maybe he has to, because his wife, is a complete lunatic in the negative nelly zone.

The good news is this is just a season(a rather shitastic season)but seasons change. The wind blows a different direction and your life can completely change in the matter of a breath. Or in my case a growing season.

Please Cease and Desist

"Among my most prized possessions are words that I have never spoken."
-Orson Scott Card

Well hello there world! First and foremost,I would just like to say, I haven't fallen off the face of the round ball we call earth.

Second,when life puts you up against a wall,a true lady must remain classy,do a cute little hair swipe,throw on some lip gloss and handle it. Handle it like a true hip-hop gangster going into a rap battle.

Stay tuned...once we know..you will know ...

P.s. please pray for my grass gower...he's getting on my nerves ..😂

The Gathering...

Wow! Just wow!. If you follow me on Twitter or my MOT on Facebook, you mostly likely saw,we headed to Orlando for the GIS ( golf industry show). To say we had a blast was an understatement. I'm sitting in the truck headed back to the great state of AllllllaaaaaaaaBAMA as I type this latest entry and my mind is swirling!

This wasn't my first industry show,by any means, but it was my first show where I actually paid attention and was aware of who and what was in my immediate surroundings. Translation, I didn't have a crazied toddler, trying to run buck wild after big shiny golf carts and tractors. This time, I got to actually have fun,meet some AMAZING people and pretty much was spolied rotten. I chatted and rubbed shoulders with grass gowers who were a pretty big deal and industry professionals whom I've only  read about.  I can't even begin to say how awesome that was!!!  

Most of the time if we are lucky enough to go, it's because the show is in a central location and the only justifiable time to actually get the grass gower to take a vacation. Sounds kinda like a win win ..but we all know different.

Something that REALLY ripped at my heart yesterday while eating lunch, I saw this wife(notice I'm saying wife not family) with her 2 young babies.  I'd actually seen her alot throughout the day. She was just miserable and exhausted. I really wanted to just walk up to her and hug her,take her kids and let her have a break. Sadly I didn't because, what mom in their right mind would embrace a stranger ,who just secertly answered her prayers.

I've been there,yes it's so much fun to be able to go with your grass gower to the industry shows, it's a frat boy vacation for them. For us wives, it's even more stressful. Late nights,devil spawn naughty kids and a husband who now is more available at home than he is on this "family vaction"

We are put into a position, that no matter what we do ,we still come out being nagging and ungrateful. We can't complain because they aren't paying attention to us and the kids,because they are here "kinda" working.  We have to keep our kids in line 24/7 ALONE, despite the 15 handfuls of candy each vendor is giving little Jimmy or Suzi just because they are so cute.

It's truly exhausting. In my opinion it's another way the universe is jabbing us! Also probably why most of us stay home because it's just not worth our mental sanity that's already hanging on for dear life!

I will leave you with this . BEFORE you even give any thoughts to joining him at the "Frat Boy Fair" please consider the following
1. Yes he invited you to go,but it's out of love, and possibly brownie points
2. IF you do decide to go, look into childcare when you are there,because if you don't..you pretty much will be doing the same thing just in a smaller space. *think about bringing a mommy only cooler
3. You know your MOT, so there will be 45675 other MOT'S  he's known his entire career and you've never heard of them ..EVER!! They will be talking  about things you can't even pronounce let alone think about ..*a good time to learn how to stand alert nap. (Feel free to ask me about this gem)
4.JUST DO IT..get some poor soul to watch your kid(s),go have an adventure with your grass gower and just make sure you look pretty standing there while your mind spaces out from pure boredom!

Cheers..! Xo

I grew grass once upon a dream..

So check this out..I hate that most of my writing is at the expense of my grass gower,but sometimes it's just hard not to let it go.I do admit I sometimes,not everytime,feel a nagging sense of guilt,that I'm writing at his expense,But come on here,HOW CAN I NOT???If you are living this crazy life,it's best if you make lemonade with all the lemons that get thrown at you.

Insert reason number 45567865 why I adore my MOT!It isn't enough that he and the rest of the grass growing mafia keep insane hours,it becomes comical when THEY CAN NEVER SHUT IT OFF.I'm not speaking of talking about Holly 24/7,I'm talking about the probably 4 hrs of sleep they get at night.

I'm talking about when I come into our bedroom to sleep after he's gone to bed 2 to 3 hours before me. (Remember I only get a good 2 hrs of quality husband time before he checks out at around 7:30. It's a party if he stays up past 8)I truly wish I was that evil and I'd record this "sleep "conversations.

Being with this man for as long as I have,(in turf years at least 80)I have verbally witnessed how to properly unload bunker sand, and what happens to you ,if god forbid, you do it wrong.(think Alice and Wonderland, Off with their heads!!!) I've learned how to run a Spanish speaking crew,how to chew arse if you do something wrong and how to argue your case in front of the board for a bigger budget.(I'm telling you. .real first world stuff here folks!!!) 

Some of these sleep time shenanigans are hysterical. But most of the time as hard as it is not to laugh,I just feel sorry for him.Why? Because I know his stress and pain. It's not fair most of the time,the mental strain that comes along with growing grass.But,we all know that there is ALWAYS a grasstastic emergency somewhere,even if it's in dreamland.As a good little obedient TURF WIFE( you're laughing if you truly know me ) I'm still supportive,just listen,and fight every fiber in my being not to hit the,record button on my phone.Instead I just write about it. HA!

I'd love to hear your "dream" stories about your MOT. Feel free to send them my way. I'm sure there's some great stuff out there!!

Look up,look down,my neck hurts!

So I read an amazing article the other day from a grass grower/now salesman.It was in the latest issue of Golf Course Industry Magazine, "Turf heads take over" A peer of my grass grower,my MOT ,wrote an amazing article, and of course I'm going to give him a shout out, Adam Garr, "Look Up." (find it and read it ..if not I'll send you the link or just;        click here

His article REALLY hit home with me.Not just because I'm in a glamorous marriage filled with glitter and sparkles, but because I feel my MOT is always looking down.It's taken a miracle,an act of god to be exact, to make the heavens move to FINALLY get him to look up . It's taken years to be exact ,but I think he finally gets it.Don't get me wrong here, after almost 16 years of being together,he's finally kinda, well not really, looking up for at least 5 mins every hour, but I'll take it . My life still revolves around dirt,budgets, equipment and other things that just put me to sleep. But at least on Wednesday's ( not really I'm just using this for a wow,factor ! ) I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

You see there was a time where I wanted out.I just couldn't deal with being the other woman, and I had no clue to how compete with dirt , roots and a board room.But for some reason I had an epitome. I wouldn't let all of the above define me and rule my world and dictate my marriage.I would "make him look up "Even if it killed me!It took me years to do it, but guess what I finally won. Fast forward to now, and I truly believe we both have a better understanding of time and responsibility. 

I can remember the exact situation,when my MOT finally got it.Our daughter was 6 months old . We were on a very much needed family vacation, and he got to witness a milestone.Up until that week, she basically had no clue who he was.I'm not exaggerating here,she would basically cry and get scared when he'd interact with her.He was a foreign being.I'm sorry but no job ,career, salary, etc takes the place of family period!But, guess,what ? He took the time to focus on us for once,and our sweet girl rewarded him .She didn't crawl to me .She crawled to him! Those moments you just can't get back, and I thank God everyday,he gave my MOT clarity. As soon as we returned home, he resigned from his position and chose us !I'm not saying that was the easiest or best decision that was made,but because of his heart,he chose what was most important to him.

I'd like to think of myself as a very strong girl.I'm a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.The most important part of us having the marriage that we do is, I give my MOT time to look down and I don't fault him for it. Yes I do get highly annoyed, but whats the point? It just gives me unwanted stress.I understand that a typical work week is at least 60 to 70 hours . In fact if he comes home before 4 pm I get panicked. I've learned over the years to channel my frustrations into admiration. Happy wife happy life!

You see once you sign up to be married to a grass grower, you just have to accept it .You can't try to change it or belittle them because they are missing out.If you do, trust me, life is going to be miserable and Guess what?? you will never win !!! A great way to sum it all up is simply they are to their properties as a heroin addict is to the drug. Kinda extreme ,but it's truth what I write!.They can't breathe without it .It's simply my job as his turf wife to occasionally punch him in the face and make him "look up" or possibly set the house on fire so he will have to come home at some point! 

Again Adam, thanks for your words and hopefully my "crazy" did the meaning of your article justice, from a wives perspective of course!

This will mostly likely be my last entry for the holiday season, thank you all so much for following along.I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a very blessed New Year! 

xoxo

Trish

Think before you leap

Find the right job ,not the right now job. This is a saying I say to my grass grower all the time . Now before I go into this entry, I am in no way insinuating my MOT isn't happy at his current property or is looking to relocate us again. I'm also pretty sure he'd fear for his life ,if he uttered those 2 words to me "We're moving" especially after everything we've been through this year. So as of right now his life is safe!

Ok, now that we are all crystal clear, we shall begin! I do always wonder  this though. Most "normal" people intend to stay at their current places of employment forever. Grass growers I feel are always in the pursuit of more. Why can't it just be enough? Even if they're currently happy at their current property. (Again I'm not insinuating anything here,I also get in the beginning of one's career ,you need experience in different zones etc ) Ok back to what i was saying. In my opinion, I'm going to compare it to this. Probably not a great comparison, but I'm a girl, and this is how girls think. Think playing on a farm league in baseball (which your soul is happy doing so) but you're still doing everything you can to receive that phone call that you've been called up to the "Big League " Trust me, I get it . The glory,the accomplishment, the gigantic pay increase. But is that team the right team for you? Is that move going to be a good fit for your family or just for your career?  Is it going to put your name on the map? Or is it going to blow up in your face because you jumped in feet first,didn't  research the offer and didn't have a heart to heart with your head  and or your "people"?

I'm not saying don't take the chance either. I'm just saying weigh the pros and the cons .At whatever level you are on, or striving to be on ,just look at the big picture. The only thing that should matter is ,you are being able to do what you love and be true to yourself,regardless of what playing level you are on . That's the most important part .

I'm sure some of you are reading this thinking, why wouldn't you want to be the best you can be in your chosen field and strive for excellence? I completely agree with this thought. BUT I can't stress this enough, do the research, make sure this is the right long term decision, not the right now this is awesome , o my God  (sorry lord) I'm doing this decision.

In my years of being a Turf Wife, I have seen this happen so many times . Heck I've even lived it a time or two. Sometimes great moves,sometimes horrific moves. Each experience has made me who I am today, and also has made me a stronger wife,with the ability to bring my MOT back down to earth at times. Ladies we've all been there and I'm sure we have shared the same piece of string. Think the Sisterhood of the traveling pants ,but with a traveling string instead.

My plea to anyone reading this is, just always ask yourself "is this the right job or the right now job"
I am also giving you full permission to use my "trishaism" unless someone decides to trademark it and make it their own idea. This is proof I came up with it first.. ha ha ha

Ok..I'm done ..I'm stepping off my soap box. Carry on and have a happy day !

They see me rolling in a,van down by the river

Yes..I haven't updated in a bit . No I haven't fallen off the wagon . Yes I'm still true to my cause of bringing  the voice of the "turf wife" to the masses. I just kinda took a much needed mental break . You see my life sometimes gets really overwhelming and I tend to crawl in a cave until I can properly "deal" . Being a warrior of turf life awareness, sometimes makes me stressed out beyond complete comprehension .

If you've been following along on the hot mess express that I call life , our beloved dog died, my husband moved us after 10 years of being "stable " and just last week our Florida home FINALLY sold. To say I've been on complete auto pilot ,is an understatement. Yes I've managed to write and update but that was me being me and pulling out the facade of I'm ok and everything is glitter bombs and rainbow bullshit.
The sad part is ,only my turf wives understand . Because ..WE'VE ALL BE THERE . I do credit my beloved MOT, because he's completely left me alone and let me deal . He's only gotten on me a fraction of times to get my crap together and continue on my crusade .

The great thing about having a blog and being a complete slacker is , whenever you decide to re-visit yr crazy, it welcomes you back . No questions, no judgement ,just an ok I'm glad you're FINALLY here ,now let's get this started !

With that being said,  Merry Christmas ,Happy Holidays, Happy day drinking because our husbands are going to be home way to much and our kids are going to be little turds .

The Little Turf Wife That Could

This entry goes out to my fellow turf wives . I'm seasoned on this "lifestyle " and I, like all of us , know way more that I want to .

When do you finally forgive ? When do you finally let go of all of the resentment. How do you let go?How can you mentally tell yourself that life is going to be OK ?  How can you be supportive, when you know the current life change is turning out to be everything you were promised it wasn't going to be ????. How can you still keep it together ? How can you possibly even still begin to be his biggest fan, his sounding block,his go to person, all the while trying not to scream I told you so? Why are we continually going through the motions and just accepting this is the way it is ? I really have no answers to any of the questions I just shot out. I amaze myself on the daily. I look back and still question at times how we are still married.  

You can count your blessings ,but faith only can take you, and your sanity so far . How are you not supposed to look your MOT in the face, and not want to punch him .You can't be upset with him , he took a chance. You can't be pissed off at things beyond your control.You can't become selfish and just expect.You have to look over things and just accept.You can only hope for the best and expect the worst .

Truthfully, I'm so sick of hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. There has got to be something better in this life . I'm so ready for him to get out . I'm tired . He's tired . But we just keep pushing on . I don't want to be the bad guy and crush his dreams. I would never in a million years ask him to stop growing grass EVER. But, sometimes I  want to tell him that, every decision he's making isn't a step further into that "dream property" Could it be that dream possibly isn't attainable anymore?  Could it be possible he's reached the ceiling? .. or could it be possible that I've finally given up ?

I think its the latter of the two. No matter what you do in life, you always are going to have good days and bad days. It's the how you deal with the days is what matters the most. Personally I just get so sick of being put in an attention fight with dirt and grass blades. Some days its annoys me more than others. 

Renovations suck, Grow ins suck and the 2 weeks before reopening suck even more! But here I sit, holding on to hope, his word, that next week will be MUCH better. We won't have to deal with seeing him for 20 mins , then he will be asleep. I won't have to answer our daughter with the I don't know verbiage, when she asks me 20 times an hour when Dad is going to be home. I'm crossing every finger, toe,eye, leg etc. THAT THIS IS THE LAST TIME, even though I'm sure , no positive, we will be going down this road again.

In the meantime..2 more days!!!!!!!! I can do this...I have wine, and we are still married....

O snap....There goes Caper....

Wowzars!!!! Let me put my sunglasses on for this one . I'm sorry if you are reading this in any type of light and you are now blinded by the 15 shades lighter of any color of white you have ever possibly imagined in your life . I wonder if this is the bright light people speak of when they have crossed over to the "other side" ,only to come back and talk about it .

This picture actually speaks volumes to me,besides the very weird tan line and the obvious nocturnal shade of white. This picture may or may not be living proof that my MOT actually put on the freaking sunscreen. The one of the 500 tubes I've purchased for him.I'm assuming it was the spray bottle. Knowing my MOT,it was the easiest thing to grab and apply as he realized his ankles were on fire . 

In this day and age why is it so hard to explain the seriousness of applying sunscreen,MORE THAN ONCE A DAY! Aren't they aware that you need to apply it every 2 hrs,especially if you are outside for hours on end every single day? Maybe there comes a time where their brains are just completely fried and they just forget. Maybe they assume they are the Teflon Don and skin cancer doesn't apply to them. 

I guess I should just be happy that he remembers "sometimes" and that he actually wear shoes ...I wonder how long it would take to actually tan his feet . My guess is the second Tuesday of never ! 

Good news is we now live in a place where its eventually going to be cold . But then I'll have to nag that you still can get sunburned in freezing temps..

Sigh a Turf Wife's work is never done ...

Grow in day -what the hell is that?? 

MOT-might be getting a spray tan in his near future 

ME- making fun of my beloved MOT

HOLLY- doesn't quite know what to say